Jerk Reaction

I have this bad habit that I would genuinely like to change or at least reduce the frequency and intensity of its occurrence.  It causes way too much angst for me and others around me.

I have the tendency to over personalize things. I am sure it stems from low self esteem or insecurities, stuff we all suffer from in some degree or another. I personalize others actions and words, often assuming incorrectly that they are mad at me or being inconsiderate. I used to go around worrying if someone was mad or upset or what it was that I did. Luckily, with all my accumulated wisdom, I have reached a point where I just come out and ask what is going on and get it over with.

But misinterpretation isn’t my actual concern, the real problem is my big-mouth, knee-jerk, over-reaction that sometimes follows. When I feel passionate or defensive about something, my mouth leads the way, without my brain.

Here is a small-scale example: Last night I was hollering to my husband to let him know I was leaving (not for good, just for a few minutes.) I didn’t realize he was right inside the garage, as I was stepping out into the garage.

I was using volume, because earlier he had been in the front yard. I just wanted to call out to him quickly and be off. I had a hot dinner in my car that needed to be delivered to friends who had just had a baby. Stat. No time to waste.

When he said, “WHAT?” in what I perceived to be a terse, irritated tone, for no good reason, well I got upset and left in a huff.

Later he apologized and it turns out, I had startled him. He was trying to get into the house to answer me, but I was on top of him before he knew it. He wasn’t mad and didn’t even realize he had sounded that way.

See how I can turn a one little word into an event when I’m feeling frantic. And though I know my over-reaction only leads to more havoc, I seem to keep repeating it. Barely four days before I managed to skew things all sideways with my daughter’s teacher. It started when she sent me the following innocuous email:



...Just wanted to touch bases and let you know that everyday she doesn’t turn in her completed outline, an additional letter grade will be deducted from her report.....

For whatever reason, this simple communiqué hit me the wrong way. As my daughter’s sworn protector and advocate, I became defensive, flustered, worried, panicked. My daughter’s grades have been slipping a bit lately and with her particular behavioral issues, I felt her teacher should have been a bit more sensitive. So I sounded off immediately in reply:

...When she brought home the unfinished outline and told me her grade had already been reduce to a B, I specifically asked her if she needed to finish and return it. She told me that she did not. I wish I had known earlier, because I was just at the school and I could have brought it by. The last thing she can afford is to have her grade deducted any further. If you don’t mind, in the future can you let me know about this kind of thing so I can be on top of it right away. Will she have time to finish it in class today if I bring it by? If not, can she stay after and finish it? Will you still deduct another grade if she finishes after school? Either way, I will bring it over right now... 

EXCUSE ME! Helloooooo? Jackie!! Didn’t you just get done reading an email informing you of the SITUATION? But I wasn’t seeing clearly. I was feeling, not thinking: What if her grades drop? What if she can’t get into college? Her teacher knows about her distractedness. So why wasn’t she more understanding.....aaaaargh!

So right after I hit send, I start digging franticly through our recycling bin to recover the outline, anxious thoughts and emotions bouncing around my head, riling me up. I’m at the school banging on her classroom door in four minutes flat.

Her teacher hasn’t even had time to read the email and I realize then what a complete idiot I am. But that thought is quickly lost as she opens the door and I start recanting all that I had just wrote; not giving her a chance to reply until I have finished. With the last question just escaping my lips, I finally notice that all the students are staring in my direction, one of which is standing at the front of the class waiting for me to wrap it up, so that she can finish presenting her oral report.

OMG... I’m a freak out of control. I quickly handed off the damp crumpled paper. Mumbling incoherently, eyes cast to the ground, I retreated in shame.

It took me a while to come down from that one. Mixing the first load of emotional chemicals with the second created quite a poisonous cocktail in my blood. And when I know that I have gone over the top, I become angry with myself. And being mad at myself, only makes it worse. Thanks goodness my kids and husband weren’t coming home for a few hours and I could mentally batter myself without interruption or unfortunately a reality check either. Had they been around, most likely I would have taken it out on them, further adding to the vicious cycle.

By midweek I had communicated with her teacher via email regarding other things, but we both kept quiet about my little performance on Monday. On Friday, I returned to the classroom to help with a project. The kids all greeted me warmly, saying hello, chattering on about this and that. Her teacher was friendly and all smiles, grateful for my help.

But my misdeed was still weighing on me. There was only one thing to do. Suck it up and admit I was a brainless nit-wit. So I looked her in the eye, and offered my humblest apology for overreacting and being an emotional train wreck. She’s a great teacher, but a mom too, so she quickly let me off the hook by saying she completely understood, and that it was no big deal. With goodwill restored, I felt relieved.

The ability to say and mean, “I’m sorry,” is so important, but wouldn’t it be better if I could rein myself in before it was necessary. There have been situations in the past where I haven’t admitted fault, and it has altered a relationship irreparably.

How does one train themselves to think before acting, or even thinking a little bit more before speaking? I really want to believe it’s not too late to change...practice, practice, practice, meditation, self-awareness, prayer and perhaps less restraint when berating myself next time.