Thank God Music Teachers Can't Spell

Ok... so I didn't get home until midnight... late meeting... then I still have to make two Teacher Appreciation door signs that need to be hung tomorrow... I guess that would be today, this afternoon. But of course I had to mess around on Facebook for an hour first.

I already knew what I was going to put on each sign, had all my letters cut out... from the school's handy dandy die cut thingamajig. For my children’s music teacher, I used a Cole Porter song, You're the Top as a theme. Printed out a bunch of hats, including a top hat, glued them all on, and viola, the first one is done.

That was the easiest teacher appreciation sign I have ever made. No hot glue necessary this year or stuffed animals or moving parts. Kept it simple. I should have knocked on wood...

So I am assembling the second one for our PE teacher... laying it all out and then I realize I am missing an E and oh yeah by the way it is 3:00 AM. Time for bed... way past. I can glue it together tomorrow.... but first I have to put it all away, because my insanely smart mutts will be all over it in the morning if I don't.

All cleaned up, scarps recycled, glue put away, scissors stored... admiring my work on the first sign. And well here is a reality, my brain doesn't work on next-to-no-sleep and that is what I am going on this week which is a carry over from the previous week and the week before that.

By this time in the morning, I begin to feel drunk even though I haven't had a drop. My speech seems slurred, my reactions slow, and come 6:45 there will be hell to pay... I will be a total crab ass through the entire morning routine... guaranteed.

So back to admiring my handy work... when I see it... look close. Really?!?! Did I actually mix up the letters?!?! Yes I did....

So tired.... I go to bed now.... rip it off and re-glue it in the morning... Doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t think music teachers can spell... they just sing... right? You know I'm kidding. Oh and please don't ask me why I had to blog right now... my brane if vary fuzzzy...

A Life with Purpose

Today I experienced one of those weeeeeoooooooo right-time-right-place moments... Some may call it fortuitous, happy accident, serendipitous, dumb luck, random chance, good fortune, coincidence. But I don’t believe in luck or coincidence. I believe that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment.

Each moment of our lives is important, to be treasured... we will never get it back. The weeeeeoooooooo moment I refer to from today made my heart race and stirred something inside of me deeply. I know without a doubt that God lead me there so that I could help someone in great need.

By great I don’t mean that I pulled anyone from a burning building or such... just every day life stuff. But stuff I know about personally that can profoundly influence our happiness if we don’t eventually deal with it.

Now the details are not necessary, I am not a hero... I just had the tools that someone else desperately needed. I had an answer to their burning question. Through my experience I could offer hope. I cannot know the future, but I was able to help them see what they could do today... where they could go from here... how to perhaps begin anew.

And that was no accident. I felt God’s presence with me in a way that I haven’t felt in many many years. Although He has always been with me, I went through a period in my life when I chose not to see, not to feel, not to believe. Today, in a brief moment, I felt the power of my faith ... flowing from me to another.

Now will this person’s life be changed forever? I am not that powerful or full of myself. I only gave them a thought, a direction, a possibility. The rest will be up to them. But being able to help someone else and give them hope, that was the real miracle for ME... Not what may or may not happen in the future... for this I can not control.

Striving to help others, abandoning my pursuit of things, letting go of my selfish behaviors... Service. Could service be the purpose of my life, my course to follow? This was certainly the path shown to me today.

No matter where you are, no matter when... you are where you are supposed to be. Every thought and action we have has the power to effect someone else. What will you choose to do with that power?

"Your time on this earth is a gift to be used wisely. Don't squander your words or your thoughts. Consider that even the simplest actions you take for your lives matter beyond measure...and they matter forever." Andy Andrews, The Noticer

A Hoppy Ending

As an individual full of faults, flaws and shortcomings, in the past I have often done the same (not so smart) thing over and over, getting the same results without realizing the pattern. And even when I identify and accept a behavior defect about myself that is none too flattering, I find I am still prone to repeating it. When I sidestep a fear or weakness, it tends to sidle back in and bite me.

I was recently smacked in the face with one such unpleasant penchant of mine. I don’t like to admit out loud to anyone that I suffer from this affliction... but since my marriage is dissolving, I must begrudgingly concede that it is high time I address this tendency.

I am a Hopper. I am sure you are wondering what the heck is a hopper? It doesn’t identify someone who is good at hopscotch or a hop-picking machine or a green leaf-eating insect. It is a little pet name adopted by myself and a fellow hopper.

It means I hop from one relationship with a man to another. As soon as I am done with one, I move almost immediately on to the next... no downtime, sometimes they even overlap. During my entire adult life, I have never been alone... except for one brief period of a few months when I was miserably lonely and constantly on the look out for someone to fill my void.

Until recently I had classified my being a hopper as nothing more than a genetic idiosyncrasy, but not necessarily detrimental. I now realize my habitual behavior borders on unhealthy and destructive. OK... it more than borders, IT IS unhealthy and destructive.

Even when I thought I had got lucky and hopped into a healthy relationship, eventually I was faced with the truth of yet another unhappy end. Not because the men I chose were always terrible human beings, but because they weren’t necessarily right for me and I never took the time to determine this between hops.

Moreover, if I happened to be in a bad spot in my life when I hopped (which is generally the case for me... no relationship = despair) well it doesn’t matter who I hopped to saint or psycho. If God had put the perfect man in front of me, I would have screwed it up, because I was screwed up.

Girl Power!

Did you know a female fetus develops ovaries around eight weeks gestation which contain nearly seven million eggs?!?!?! By the time a baby girl is born this number is reduced to one million and by puberty only about 400 eggs remain. Now that alone demonstrates to me a higher power... my very existence was certainly chosen if I could beat those odds!

But I also ponder the physic-spiritual-chemical-body-soul-universe link that women have with their children, especially girls... as our daughter’s carry on this link to the next generation. OK... I’ll speak clearly or at least try...

Shortly after my mother was conceived (eight weeks or so) the ONE egg which was to become 50 percent of MY own unique genetic code was there within her. This ONE egg (half of me) was carried with her for over 20 years, undergoing and experiencing the changes of her body’s internal environment.

When she had feelings of joy and sadness, anger and peace, stress, fatigue and restfulness... her body reacted chemically with each. When she learned to walk, talk, do algebra, drive a car, again there were chemical reactions occurring in her brain that developed new neural links. But the things she learned also influenced her feelings and actions, which effected her entire being. When she ate nutritiously as a small child, chose potato chips for dinner as an adolescent, or got drunk for the first time... the whole of her mind and body were effected... often in undetectable ways.

Wandering from Home - Part 2

Sometimes we begin a journey expecting an outcome so different than what we actually experience. Part of this gap can be accounted for through a lack of preparation (guilty) or chalked up to the fact that it is a totally novel adventure (guilty again). But sometimes we gain something far greater than any of our expectations and we are changed forever.

Day 2 - Saturday, April 10, 2010

As suggested by my brother, Wendy and I should have gotten up and left for the canyon by 4:00 AM; it was a two hour drive to the trailhead from Kingman. Well it just so happens that my brother wasn't with us and wasn't going on the hike with us, so we didn't heed his advice... na na na na naaaaa

We awoke after 6:00, didn't get on the road till nearly 7:00 and finally made it to the Hualapai Hilltop parking lot around 9:00. Another wonderful day of setting our very own schedule... no deadlines, no urgencies, no have-to-be-somewhere-right-now, and NO ONE complaining because we were late. This alone brought a freedom and peace that was unknown to both of us. Perhaps we should have just turned around and headed back home at that point... I mean why mess with something so perfect?

Upon stepping from the car, I got my first glance at the awe inspiring magnificence of the Grand Canyon. It was sooooo big, sooooo deep.... sooooo woooooweeee wow wow!

Then I noticed the switchback, stair-stepped trail creeping down the canyon wall... Holy Crap-oly! It seemed to never end... and look at those people way down there where the trail finally starts to flatten out and head off into the distance, they look sooooo small and far away! And they were!!! We looked at one another and wondered what the H-E-Double Toothpicks had we got ourselves into?!?!

Tuesday that feels like Monday

Even though today was Tuesday, on many levels it felt like Monday. Maybe because it was my first day back to work this week or because I was ooooh soooo tired which I am sure heightened my sensitivity to everything around me. I found myself feeling critical of others, but I also felt justified at times... which I am sure is not a good combination and will lead nowhere good...

In general, I really do try to be kind to other people, to not throw out my judgments or participate in idle or cruel gossip. I know that I wasn't always like that... When I was younger, and full of my own extreme insecurities, I could be quick to cut someone else down behind their back. I do try not to be so catty now... but have you ever come into contact with someone who just rubs you the wrong way and you can't help harboring ill thoughts about them?

At the gym where I work, there are a lot of affluent members. Most don't flaunt it but once in a while you witness someone looking down their nose. They can't quite treat you as they would a friend of equal status, because you work at the gym versus being a member. They hold themselves just above you, conveying their superiority whenever your paths do cross.

I find that with these type of people, I either kill them with kindness... making them feel like crap for being so smug. Or I go out of my way to hold myself above them by not making eye contact, ignoring their presence, or the-real-kicker by being in better shape than they are... he he he.

In the end though, I know they act the way they do because they are insecure and afraid. They puff themselves up to accentuate what they have that I don’t, only to conceal what they don’t have, which is confidence and a love for themselves.

Wandering from Home - Part 1

I was thrilled when my sister-in-law Wendy invited me on a trip to the Grand Canyon. Sure, sure, sure... I will hike it with you... No problem!! But what started out as a girl's weekend away, turned out incredibly different. We embarked upon a bona fide adventure, that challenged us more than expected with quite a few lessons learned. Some of these lessons came the hard way, but I wouldn't trade any of them. The obstacles we overcame, revealed a part of ourselves we had not known before.

Day 1 - Friday, April 9, 2010

With my kiddos off to school, I packed up my gear and headed off. I was supposed to leave home around 11:00 AM, but being the girl I am, I didn't manage to set off until 1:30. But I had no real deadline, so it felt good for once to not have to worry about being anywhere at any set time or screaming and cursing at someone because I was late yet again.

My first destination was Kingman, Arizona, where my brother and sister-in-law live with their three children. Now ironically, my brother was traveling to my house with his kiddos AS I traveled to his home. So all six wild-and-out-of-control cousins and three hyper dogs would be at my house with the two husbands for the weekend, and I would be with my sister-in-law, just the two of us, existing in perfect harmony and peace. Sometimes the planets just align...

Needless to say, I was floating on a cloud as I headed out of Phoenix through Wickenburg, so much so that I began to nod off as I was driving. I knew that I was extremely sleep deprived... I hadn’t managed to get more than fours hours of sleep in a given night over the last three weeks. Now I could have pulled over and rested, but I would have had to sleep for at least eight hours on the side of the road in order to not be in a state of dozing off... so I pushed on.

I sent out a few texts hoping for some company on the road. I heard back from my sister Jen, who reminded me to be careful texting while driving... Which I know to be dangerous, and irresponsible, and bad, and wrong, but I do it anyway sometimes... sorry, but at least I am honest... and I don’t do it with my kids in the car... scout’s honor. That way I could turn up my music really loud, put the AC on high, set the cruise control and still carry on a conversation. I believed all of these components were necessary to stay awake.

Lesson of the Week

What I learned this week... Well even though I keep hearing it, I keep experiencing it, I keep hurting because of it (for years now).... I was unable to believe it. Once I begrudgingly resigned myself to accept it though... my pain, fear and emotional turmoil was lightened (No no no... not entirely removed, that would be asking too much, but close enough and I am grateful for that.)

Here IT is.... There is NO human being that I know or will ever know that can fulfill me, make me happy or meet my needs. The more I think and believe that another person can do these things for me, the more I am discontented with myself and my relationships. When I accept that the only way for me to have peace, happiness, fulfillment is to give my life over to God and let him lead. He is the ONLY certainty that I can ever completely count on. He will always love me unconditionally, even with my countless and ever emerging flaws.

Off and on all week, I was thrown a curve here or there by people in my life. My reactions ranged from anger and sadness to anxiety and disappointment. But I was actually able to curtail those emotions from developing into full blown tantrums, cuss outs or target practice.

I recognized my feelings, acknowledged that they were valid (at least somewhat), and allowed myself to feel them. Then I remembered that I didn’t need to go over the edge, because I have a power much greater than myself that will give me peace and solutions. I have a power that will put all right with the world. Just by knowing and remembering that things would work out, that I would be loved no matter the outcome, I was able to let go of my emotional baggage. I do not have to feel let down, lonely or worried when I put my faith in God.

Now putting too much faith in a human being, well that is an entirely different story... a trap we all fall into from time to time. Certainly we should and do believe in each other, but if we base our self-worth and happiness on another person, then we are likely to be miserable, if not immediately, it will eventually happen. Lets face it... nobody is even close to perfect and nobody wants exactly what we want. So even when I felt wronged, I was able to know that it would work out, that I need not feel destroyed, despondent or hopeless. Instead I felt assured and peaceful; I smiled from the inside out.

Oh and let me not forget to share lesson #2... when you drive away too fast in a blue minivan, turns out you don’t look all I-gotta-need-for-speed. Whoever happens to be watching your display of raw V6 power, just thinks you are mad... Go figure? I have to laugh at myself for that one... I’m such a dork!

Walking on the Edge

I scan the surface of the grey-blue face, seeking the longest most challenging path to the top. My first grip doesn’t hold as I attempt to heft myself up with one foot jammed into a crevasse. Running my fingers along the ridges of the rock, I hope to find a lip that will provide more leverage for my next attempt.

Pulling and pushing at once, I lift off the ground, pressing my cheek against the smooth, cool stone. Ever scanning for my next hand hold, I know I cannot remain in one position too long. Already I feel my left toe slipping, loosing its grasp. My mind focuses, exploring the possibilities, thrill surging my pulse.

Moving on without hesitation, maintaining three points of contact, I quickly scale the 15 feet to the first landing. Balancing on one foot and then the other, I feel my breath catch with excitement as I teeter on the edge and then move on to the next and highest ledge.

Looking out over the pool that awaits, fear seeps in. Excitement, rushes through my veins, reflexively turning up the corners of my mouth. To calm myself, I chatter on to onlookers, to myself. What do I fear most? The distance, the impact? No... the cold, definitely the cold.

In mid-sentence, I step off the edge, surprising the witnesses... myself. I hear a scream of joy, of fear, of ecstasy, echoing off the cliff, my scream. As I plummet into the icy water, my knees pull up into a ball, my arms pull down to slow my descent. Enveloped by the clear emerald waters, the suns rays pierce the surface, illuminating the four feet of water above my head. It is like gazing up through a massive green marble.

A succession of resolute and furious kicks send me bursting through the river’s surface. My lungs gasp, not so much for air but in reaction to the crushing cold. Half way to the bank my chest seizes to the chill, I can not breath. My too-often-taken-for-granted arms and legs do not fail, but carry me to the bank. With unexpected effort, I crawl from the water. Falling upon the beach in exhaustion, I wrap myself in the warmth of the sand, struggling for breath, laughing for joy, beaming from ear to ear, gratefully knowing I am alive.