Walking on the Edge

I scan the surface of the grey-blue face, seeking the longest most challenging path to the top. My first grip doesn’t hold as I attempt to heft myself up with one foot jammed into a crevasse. Running my fingers along the ridges of the rock, I hope to find a lip that will provide more leverage for my next attempt.

Pulling and pushing at once, I lift off the ground, pressing my cheek against the smooth, cool stone. Ever scanning for my next hand hold, I know I cannot remain in one position too long. Already I feel my left toe slipping, loosing its grasp. My mind focuses, exploring the possibilities, thrill surging my pulse.

Moving on without hesitation, maintaining three points of contact, I quickly scale the 15 feet to the first landing. Balancing on one foot and then the other, I feel my breath catch with excitement as I teeter on the edge and then move on to the next and highest ledge.

Looking out over the pool that awaits, fear seeps in. Excitement, rushes through my veins, reflexively turning up the corners of my mouth. To calm myself, I chatter on to onlookers, to myself. What do I fear most? The distance, the impact? No... the cold, definitely the cold.

In mid-sentence, I step off the edge, surprising the witnesses... myself. I hear a scream of joy, of fear, of ecstasy, echoing off the cliff, my scream. As I plummet into the icy water, my knees pull up into a ball, my arms pull down to slow my descent. Enveloped by the clear emerald waters, the suns rays pierce the surface, illuminating the four feet of water above my head. It is like gazing up through a massive green marble.

A succession of resolute and furious kicks send me bursting through the river’s surface. My lungs gasp, not so much for air but in reaction to the crushing cold. Half way to the bank my chest seizes to the chill, I can not breath. My too-often-taken-for-granted arms and legs do not fail, but carry me to the bank. With unexpected effort, I crawl from the water. Falling upon the beach in exhaustion, I wrap myself in the warmth of the sand, struggling for breath, laughing for joy, beaming from ear to ear, gratefully knowing I am alive.


This past weekend while camping I had the thrill of being able to jump from the rocky river cliffs into freezing water. Some people probably think I’m crazy, but for me it was exhilarating, a blast.

But yesterday with my feet back on solid ground, I found myself longing. It was one of those days when I could just care less about the consequences, an eat-directly-out-of-the-peanut-butter-jar-with-a-really-big-spoon day. Sure I can run off the calories later, but its more than that... I was feeling a bit stir crazy, confused, needing to listen to thrashing rock music well above safe limits, while weaving in and out of traffic too fast.

Reckless is how a friend of mine once described my behavior. I thought it was a phase of my youth, but when I look at myself today, I recognize that it still exists in one form or another. And it shows up in unmistakable ways when my life begin to spin out of control.

The reason I used to drink was to feel that reckless abandon wash over me. But being an alcoholic is but a tiny piece of the puzzle. Throughout my life I have craved the rush, the high, the standing-too-near-the-edge feeling that reminds me I am alive. I require a dose of whatever makes my heart beat faster and puts me in control of my own destruction. I often do whatever I do simply because I can.

Besides consuming indecent amounts of wine and all the careless choices I coupled with that, I used to have this hard-headed determination that drew me into relationships with abusive men over and again. I also found myself pushing the limits of my own health by choosing to eat too little while exercising too much.

Luckily for me I have switched out some of my more treacherous behaviors for things that are a bit less destructive... now I only manage to find myself drinking too much coffee, getting too little sleep or jogging alone in the dark. Oh and I love trail running and rock climbing because I have to keep my mind focused at all times... one false move and I could take a serious fall. But the rush of making it to the bottom or top unscathed (or even a little scathed) is addicting.

What is it that drives some of us to walk the edge... bull riding, drug abuse, hang-gliding, poker playing, bungee-jumping, unsafe sex, bank robbery? Behaviors that feed the need for an adrenalin rush... a near loss of control... recklessness? And what constitutes the sometimes fuzzy line between acceptable risk and unnecessary endangerment?

There is a scientific name for my behavior, though it is generally most prevalent in adolescent boys (let’s not even go there) called sensation-seeking. This personality trait is described as the need for varied, novel and complex sensations and experiences coupled with the willingness to take physical and social risks for the sake of these experiences.

But what I learned, that hit close to home, was that there is a strong correlation between high levels of sensation-seeking, especially associated with risky behaviors such as driving fast, high stimulus hobbies and acting without thinking and ADD. OK... those weren’t my words... but weeeeeoooooo... all three of those fit me more than I care to admit.

But WHY... I need to understand?!?!? Turns out that the prefrontal cortex of my brain, and the brains of individuals with ADD and ADHD, is under active. Perilous, commotion-driven behavior stimulates this area of the brain and releases noradrenaline and dopamine.

These special receptor chemicals are involved in brain functions which affect our ability to pay attention or concentrate.  They also play a role in controlling executive functions of the brain which stop us from acting impulsively and are necessary for goal-directed behavior. Medications usually prescribed for the treatment of ADD/ADHD work by increasing the level of these two chemicals.

Another interesting fact about sensation-seeking is that it is considered to be a genetically passed trait. Twin studies show that it has a HIGH degree of heritability, around 60 percent--most traits range from 30 to 50 percent. I am now taking a deep breath... as a mother that means my job is cut out for me and I will most likely get back everything that I dealt out to own my father... that’s true karma for you.

I’ll need to be on my toes, vigilantly watching my kiddos... Not that I wouldn‘t any way, but knowing myself, and honestly recognizing the emergence of my own sensation-seeking, well I don’t have much time... Truthfully, my middle child has already shown promise in knowing how to push the boundaries... just because she can.

Even though danger-driven behaviors can lead to disaster and even death, they have played a necessary and integral role in human survival. Without the desire to search out threats, we would not have evolved as a species or continue to grow as individuals. Our drive for discovery, motivation for knowledge and quest for adventure would be extinguished if we were not compelled to take risks, to walk on the edge.

So when I get pulled over for driving like a manic, I’ll let the officer know that I was on my way to get more peanut butter... or perhaps I should just turn up my iPod and run in the dark... that choice is definitely more productive and safer for everyone.



Sources:


ADHD and High Risk Behavior by Eileen Bailey
http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/adult-adhd-251516-5.html


Factors Influencing Adolescents' Decisions to Engage in Risk-Taking Behavior
Journal article by Mary R. Rolison, Avraham Scherman; Adolescence, Vol. 37, 2002
http://www.questia.com/googleScholar.qst;jsessionid=L6nBfvcMLZ1c4MNtJVLtvqQph2hkZyLvTyMS2mVJxpRlk4SXvx7Q!948790962!-245495658?docId=5000656922


ADHD Treatments
http://www.addandadhd.co.uk/adhd-treatments.html


Are You a Risk Taker?
What causes people to take risks? It's not just a behavior. It's a personality.
By Marvin Zuckerman, published on November 01, 2000 - last reviewed on July 11, 2007
Psychology Today
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200011/are-you-risk-taker