A Hoppy Ending

As an individual full of faults, flaws and shortcomings, in the past I have often done the same (not so smart) thing over and over, getting the same results without realizing the pattern. And even when I identify and accept a behavior defect about myself that is none too flattering, I find I am still prone to repeating it. When I sidestep a fear or weakness, it tends to sidle back in and bite me.

I was recently smacked in the face with one such unpleasant penchant of mine. I don’t like to admit out loud to anyone that I suffer from this affliction... but since my marriage is dissolving, I must begrudgingly concede that it is high time I address this tendency.

I am a Hopper. I am sure you are wondering what the heck is a hopper? It doesn’t identify someone who is good at hopscotch or a hop-picking machine or a green leaf-eating insect. It is a little pet name adopted by myself and a fellow hopper.

It means I hop from one relationship with a man to another. As soon as I am done with one, I move almost immediately on to the next... no downtime, sometimes they even overlap. During my entire adult life, I have never been alone... except for one brief period of a few months when I was miserably lonely and constantly on the look out for someone to fill my void.

Until recently I had classified my being a hopper as nothing more than a genetic idiosyncrasy, but not necessarily detrimental. I now realize my habitual behavior borders on unhealthy and destructive. OK... it more than borders, IT IS unhealthy and destructive.

Even when I thought I had got lucky and hopped into a healthy relationship, eventually I was faced with the truth of yet another unhappy end. Not because the men I chose were always terrible human beings, but because they weren’t necessarily right for me and I never took the time to determine this between hops.

Moreover, if I happened to be in a bad spot in my life when I hopped (which is generally the case for me... no relationship = despair) well it doesn’t matter who I hopped to saint or psycho. If God had put the perfect man in front of me, I would have screwed it up, because I was screwed up.


In all honesty I am still fairly screwed up. I am just now learning how to love myself without someone else feeding my ego... telling me I am wonderful or smart or beautiful. Till now I had never been outside of a relationship without being depressed and lonely... and day to day I still get down about my single situation.

In my past relationships, I most often played the subservient role, dependent and acquiescent. But I have also taken a turn at being domineering and controlling. Because I hop so quickly, I often choose individuals who don’t share many of my values and interests. Additionally, I find myself altering my persona simply to please my partner or believing falsely that I can change them.

Sadly, I have preferred an unsatisfying and unhealthy existence, over being alone for all too long. And in my present state, I would very nearly forgo my isolation to any other form of havoc that a relationship could provide. But for the first time in my life, I am given pause for three very important reasons, my children. Without a doubt my suffering will be theirs if I do not think before I hop.

I know my hopping stems from fear and low self-esteem. For many years, I held the false belief that I was less capable or valuable than others. For me and many who suffer from esteem issues, it is a remnant of childhood experiences, such as abandonment, abuse, feeling unloved or being criticized.

When low self-esteem rules our lives, we focus on our faults and consider our ideas unworthy, while failing to trust our own abilities. It becomes a vicious cycle, manifesting into further self-defeating negativity. I could only escape this self-defeat through the praise of another person.

And without intending to sling mud at the men of my past, I know that like attracts like. What I attracted in the past, is a reflection of where I was at that time in my life. If I was weak in my convictions, vague with my principles, uncertain upon my beliefs, or indecisive of my path, I ended up with someone who shared my insecurities or willing bulldozed over my shaky identity. Love can truly be blind.

So how do I make sure that I don’t hop again? That I avoid a relationship that doesn’t respect who I am? That I attract a partnership based on love, fairness and unselfishness? That I seek a relationship that doesn't dominate (or give into) what is important to me?

I believe a healthy, mature, loving relationship should be with someone who respects us and loves us for who we are, not what we can do for them. The beliefs and interests of both individuals should coalesce. Their differences should present an opportunity for new experience and knowledge, not define a completely new way of life for one person to blend into.

Over the last couple of years, my self-esteem has grown tremendously, but I have far to go. I have gained genuine perspective and optimism through counseling, exercise, reading, writing, medication and volunteer service. By practicing rigorous honesty, meditation and the principles of a 12-step program, I find it possible to live in the present with hope and joy. I will continue working diligently everyday to be positive and surround myself with others who share my beliefs. Most profoundly, I have recaptured my spirituality and reconnected with my God.

And with utmost trepidation, I faced my fears of rejection by admitting honestly to others who I am. From my ADD to my alcoholism, I have let go of what I feared the most would isolate me. Instead of being judged or rebuffed as I had worried, I have been shown kindness, acceptance and love. I have been given thanks for sharing what others dreaded to reveal of themselves and for helping them realize that they are normal... just like all the rest of us, full of faults, flaws and shortcomings.

So where do I go from here... I’m going to keep doing what I am doing... keep doing the next right thing. What I will NOT do is get involved in anything beyond friendship for the next year. I will put my children and their emotional well-being first and foremost, above my own. And I will try to remember even though there is always room for improvement within myself, my thoughts and actions have value and importance.

Eventually I hope to genuinely know and love myself. Only at that point can I attract a healthy, loving relationship based upon unselfishness and mutual respect, remember like attracts like. Only then will I gratefully be a hopper no more.