Crippled by Indecision

Recently someone tried to impart me with the knowledge that the most precarious place we can exist is in a state of indecision. For in this position we are not only miserable, but we are not growing or moving forward in our lives.

If we are faced with what seems like a life altering decision, having to chose A over B can be overwhelming, almost crippling. It can seem utterly impossible to decide which is the best choice? Which will result in the least negative consequences? Which will hurt more or less, to ourselves and others? In the long run which is the right and best thing to do?

Sometimes the actual state of indecision seems less painful or fraught than either of the possible choices. So we remain in this unresolved place, hoping for a solution through fate or revelation.

When I was younger, I was faced with a choice that I felt could alter my future irreparably. Though I had always planned to attend college after high school and structured my studies accordingly, I came to a point when I was unsure if that was actually what I should do.

I became involved in a relationship with a boy that was not very healthy. He was controlling and abusive, but at that time in my life, I was deeply in love. He stated in no uncertain terms that if I chose to go off to college, he couldn’t promise he would be there when I got back. His motives were not that of honesty, but of control.

But I was left with a difficult decision: Go to college and possibly lose him or stay in my hometown with him. Obviously this may seem like a no-brainer, but he was the strongest influence in my life at that time, and even though I knew my father wanted me to go to college, he didn’t attempt to influence me with much force. And even if he had, I don’t know if I would I have given it any heed?

My Little Van Goghs

In 2002, I had the honor of working with Bay Area artist Judy Gittelsohn putting paint brushes into the hands of individuals with developmental disabilities. I wrote the grant request that went on to fund a therapeutic art program led by Judy that culminated in a gallery exhibition of some truly amazing works of art--two paintings of which hang in my upstairs hallway.

I love Judy's art and how she shares her talents. Today she continues to teach and inspire individuals with special needs through the Art for Well Beings program in Palo Alto, California.

What I learned from Judy and the years I worked with adults with developmental disabilities at Kainos was that creativity is not limited by disability. Painting increases self-esteem, boosts confidence, reduces stress, improves fine motor skills, and provides an outlet for feelings, while enhancing communication and social skills.

Art therapy is used to treat multiple conditions including bipolar, posttraumatic stress and learning disorders in children and adults. In addition to helping enhance mental and emotional health, art therapy can increase self-awareness and cognitive abilities and aid in healing traumatic emotional experiences. Art therapy can also reduce pain, tension and anxiety, and is used with patients who suffer from chronic, debilitating, and terminal illnesses.

When I asked my kiddos today if anyone wanted to paint, I got a resounding YES, YES, YESSSS! My children love any opportunity to don their paint smocks and get messy. An even greater thrill filled them when they found out they would get to use the-paints-that-don‘t-wash-out-of-your-clothes... oooooooo. With brushes in hand and paints mixed, art quieted the masses. Perfecting our canvas was a cooperative effort, in both patience (mostly mine being tried) and creativity. But the results were amazing. And for a brief period, all was tranquil in our little loony bin.

The Prodigal Daughter

Two Sundays ago, I loaded my kids in the car, picked up my sister and four-year old niece, and headed to church. Now this scene wouldn't generally seem strange, but I haven't personally been to church for more years than I care to state out loud, except the random wedding and well--TRUE CONFESSION: My children have NEVER been to church. Told you I was raising a bunch of heathens... cringe and judge me if you must... I am sure I deserve that.

Many moons ago, I ended a relationship with someone who was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and the Catholic church that I was a member of at the time made me feel, in no uncertain terms, that my leaving him was unacceptable... well I SPITEFULLY turned my back on my church, organized religion and God.

I spent years with a spiritual void growing ever greater inside of me. In my heart, even though I publicly denied it, I needed, wanted, craved a spiritual connection. At first my anger caused me to withdraw from what had always been a certainty in my life. Then I became openly reproachful, thinking I was smarter than or somehow above religion.

But I always felt an emptiness. This cavity grew, leaving me feeling hollow and hopeless. But I continued to feel a pull. And slowly but surely I have found my way back, in little bits and pieces. Peace is settling back into my heart, and I feel hope in a way that gives me new purpose.

So what does my 12-year old say when I asked her, “What did you think of the service?”

It’s tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath

I just want to check and see if it is OK if I openly hate all men this week? Sorry guys... I just need to embrace my anger and go with it. Nothing personal really. It's not ALL men, just the one's I have managed to come in contact with this week. Self-centered, arrogant, clueless, BS...

I have been going to AA meetings since January, and it has been a great source of peace and spirituality for me. It is amazing how you can share the most intimate details of your life with a room full of complete strangers just because you are all drunks. As someone put it so eloquently, "I wouldn't drink with most of you people, but I'll get sober with you."

So I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching and sometimes crying at these meetings over the last couple months. I have disclosed vague details of the demise of my male relationships that has occurred recently. And when I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and whining at every meeting, well I shifted into a rage. And that is how I am feeling now.... pissed. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs, pound on the walls, pissed.

And to top off the ‘I hate MEN’ week that I’m having... tonight this guy who I’ve seen in the past at meetings, asks me for my phone number right in the middle of the meeting... He starts to explain that he too has just gone through a rough relationship break up and for him the thing that helped most was to talk to people, so he thought maybe I wanted to talk sometime or get some coffee and discuss what I 'm going through... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? REALLY?? Do I look like I just fell off a dumb truck...??

But in lue of anger or pain, pounding and screaming, tears and hatred, and utter head-shaking disbelief, I am choosing to be grateful. Grateful for all the men in my life that are wonderful and truly keep me sane.

I am grateful for my father who is one of the kindest men I know. I am thankful for my oldest brother for believing that Life is but a Dream, my middle brother who I love to go camping with, and my baby brother who felt my pain as deeply as I did.

I am truly appreciative of my children’s father (even when he was on my hit list at times this week) for being a great dad, for my brother-in-law for looking out for me, and for my guy friends who love me for me and never expect more. And I am ever grateful for my grandpa Max, who I named my son after, for buying me my first BB gun, teaching me how to fish, telling me stories, and always making me smile. Miss you Grandpa...

I actually feel much better now. It’s a bit tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath. And it is impossible to hate ALL men. Honestly I don’t really hate anyone... sorry I even thought that out loud. I just don’t like hurting and weeping and fuming, so I am choosing to let that tornado of emotions go... I cried, I raged, I forgave. Now I’m moving on.

Two-week and One-day Stay at the Lunatic Lodge

For one week now, the three little people in my life have brawled and squawked, screamed and grumbled on and on about one another. The oldest baits the youngest, the middle child wails, someone pushes, another shoves. They scratch, taunt and glare as I beg them to get along... and the beat goes on. We are blessed with a two-week plus one extra day spring break here in Chandler. Oh joy...

Not a moment’s peace... one week was manageable, I filled the time with my limited budget, but two weeks and a day... are they insane? And the week they return, they have Monday off, go back for three days and are off again on Friday.

Even if I had a limitless budget, I couldn’t possibly keep them busy enough. My children honestly spend more time and effort combating each other than they do on any other pursuit. This morning it was the wrongful accusation of a stolen doll, tattle-tailing about un-brushed teeth, and, “It’s not fair, they won’t let me be the caboose! I want to play choo-choo too!”

Our afternoon frolic to the park, was rained out... and as I write I can hear pounding feet on the second floor and the high pitched squeal of my son... delight or rage? That is yet to be determined... I better go check.

After checking, it turns out that it was my younger daughter who was screaming. When I inquired what the problem was, she started sniveling that, “They were laughing at me.”

“Well, isn’t that better than them throwing things at you,” I say trying to make light of the situation, salvaging what had been a 1-hour long stint with negligible fighting.

Finding myself Single

A few days ago as I was writing a blog post and roaming the Internet until 3:00 in the morning, I noticed that my husband had changed his 'Relationship Status' on Facebook to Single.

He only did this a couple weeks ago, but I started wondering who else had seen this. And not that it mattered who has seen it, but it is kind of strange that I didn't notice it for days. But if it's out on Facebook, well then it is fair game Hon and I can write about it here on my blog... I promise to be nice :-)

I wasn’t going to write about it directly. I wanted to keep it private for now and just skirt around it. But anyone who knows me and has seen any of my recent articles, may have read between the lines and wondered what was going on anyway...

In October, we will have been married for 15 years. We have known each other for over 18 years... and we have three wonderful children. When you get a divorce (yes... that’s right we are getting a divorce) it is your children you worry about the most. You stay together and keep trying long after you should have thrown in the towel and stopped making each other miserable... because of the children.

At least I know that my husband and I will remain partners for life in raising and supporting our children even after our divorce. My oldest daughter already knows, and seems to be handling it ok. When we told her it was almost as if she already knew and was somewhat relieved. Kids aren‘t fooled by our idiotic attempts to pretend something is what it isn’t. We have both talked with her, making sure she can say or ask whatever she needs without ever blaming herself for our failure.

Setting a Goal for Health and Happiness

This morning I successfully completed my first triathlon!! In all truth, if you had asked me even just a year ago, I would have found the idea of finishing this sort of race laughable. But somewhere half way through the cycle portion of the competition, I found myself smiling ear to ear. I was in awe of my accomplishment and felt completely blessed to have the ability to push myself to ever greater limits.

I didn't used to think it was possible because, I am not really the completive type when it comes to sports... I have always caught balls with my face. Secondly, I love to exercise, but I haven't ever focused on a training program for myself that included a timeframe and specific performance goals. Honestly, for me it seemed to be too much pressure and chance of failure. And frankly, there was a time in the not so past, that I didn’t actually think I was cable of such a feat. I didn’t consider myself in the same caste as people who participated in fitness competitions or organized sports.

Turns out I was wrong about all of that (big surprise), but more importantly I came to an important realization... I think everyone should use a definable and measurable goal for health and fitness. Not just a goal of losing X number of pounds or that you want to look hot for your high school reunion, but an objective that keeps you focused while having FUN.

Several months ago I signed up for the triathlon with a friend/client. We picked a date, paid our entrance fees and began training. I worked some of her training into her sessions, while applying the same principles to my own workouts. We compared our present performance levels with past competitor scores to determine specific goal parameters for each segment of our race.

We worked out together, exchanged ideas and articles about increasing performance and even discussed our iPod playlist strategies. Having a friend to go through the process with me made me accountable... definitely less likely to cheat on my training. But most importantly I had a great time during the entire experience and we are already planning at least two more triathlons together this year!

Stupid Silly Girl

Have you ever put yourself into a situation that you knew most likely from the onset wasn't going to turn out well. Your sixth sense tried to warn you, but you pushed on without regard, because you had ulterior motives, or more often than not, in my case... lacked sound judgment.

Like that blind date I agreed to go on with a friend of a friend. I didn’t find him attractive, his car reeked of the early 80’s and three glasses of wine later he wasn’t any more charming. I guess I went out with him because I was bored and didn’t at the time have any better prospects... stupid, silly girl. As he drove me home at 185/mph (literally) with my nails dug into the arm rest, I just kept thinking please God don't let me die next to this moron.

And my little known secret of the time I decided to tie the knot in Las Vegas in the middle of the night... in a black dress.  That should have been a clear omen right there... Definitely not well thought out, but we are all allowed at least one major lapse, aren’t we?

Then there was that time I went to an audition at a small artsy-fartsy theatre company in the Haight-Ashbury district.  I nervously read cold from a script written by the company’s producer-director-playwright who was a too-full-of-himself ass, but I smiled and sucked up, hoping for a bit part.  His lovely assistant though was literally my doppelganger... which must have given me false comfort.

I was hopeful that being kept so long engaged in uninteresting chit-chat (2-1/2 hours) meant I had impressed him with my acting abilities.... again, I was a stupid, silly girl.

At the end of my audition, he asked if I would be willing to pose nude for him... really... unbelievable, the nerve of this guy!?! He wanted to sketch me side-by-side with his assistant. Fine, whatever... as long as I got paid. I was a starving college student, who thought herself above the trappings of conventional modesty or clothing.  Or at least I was trying to convince myself of that. Whatever the case, I really couldn’t afford principles that month so I agreed.

12 Short Months

I always carry a journal or notebook... to jot down nightly dreams, songs I want to put on my iPod, to-do lists, inspirations, goals, books I want to read, writing ideas... I just can't organized and hang on to all the thoughts in my brain, so a journal gets me off the hook.

BUT what happens when you lose your diary... hope the wrong person doesn't find it... definitely! Usually though, I know it is under or behind something, somewhere and I will eventually find it... or because I have more than one going at a time... I don't even realize it is missing... that's a bit scary...

I actually found a journal that I started about a year ago. It only had five entries in it and I don't remember not having it or looking for it. But when I reread it, I couldn't believe it had only been a year.  I know I started it in January 2009 because I actually dated all the entries... clever girl.

The things I was writing about seemed to have happened a lot longer than a year ago. Why, because I am just so far from that point now... in terms of what I am doing, my goals, and how I feel and act each day. I am absolutely amazed at what can happen, change, resolve, dissolve... in 12 short months!

In the past, I spent way too much time wondering when things might be different.... waiting for something to happen.  But over the past year, my life has transformed ... weird but wonderful.  AND I like the differences, even if they are a bit scary and uncertain at times... I am proud of myself.... go figure?

I am definitely in a better place and I couldn’t have imagined all that has taken place since those entries. I guess perhaps that is the POINT... like Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe...

The BIG THING rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn’t even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee.

So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they’re going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.

Won’t be long, The Universe

Was I chilling for the last year... Doubtful! Being patient....me? Yeah right!! But I have opened my mind and heart, dropped my guard, and focused my positive thoughts, allowing my life to be what it was meant to be... even if I couldn’t foresee it.

I am where I am supposed to be... And who knows where I could be a year from now?  The possibilities are wonderfully mind-boggling. So I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride... and buy a new journal.

Pursuing Happiness

I am sure that you have heard me say it before, but if we aren't honest about who we are... to ourselves and others... if we live a facade... we can NEVER attain lasting fulfillment and happiness.

Fear is the principal motivator for our masquerades. We pretend to be something that we are not or we fail to reveal what is really in our hearts because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of judgement, fear we will not be forgiven, fear of anger or hostility, fear we will not be accepted or loved for who we really are.

Letting fear dictate our lives becomes habitual, a vicious circle that will only lead to resentment if we are found out. And we can expect nothing less than discontent in all aspects of our lives, if we cannot be honest with ourselves. Our relationships will continue to we superficial and unsatisfying, our ambitions will leave us empty, our dreams will remain out of reach...

Is that what any of us wants from our life? Living a life that only allows us to be half of what we are... substituting things for feelings, seeking approval instead of substance, grasping for accomplishment, instead of living fully, wholly, here and now...

I know that I don’t want a fragment or fraction of life. I don‘t want an existence that denies a portion of myself!

The Power of Gratitude

Sometimes we can find ourselves in a funk, where it is easy to look at the negative side of things, to focus on what we don’t have or what is wrong with our lives. This pattern of thinking, though, only holds us in this depressing spot and attracts more of what we are dwelling upon.

I find gratitude to be a powerful force to disperse with this mindset. Counting my blessings... Grateful thoughts help me focus on what is successful in my life, which in turn draws the positive energy of others me to and opens me to affirming experiences.

We each define our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs.  If we see our life as not working, miserable, unhappy, THIS IS THE TRUTH. But if we believe we are abundantly blessed, we are. Expressing gratitude for our blessings reminds us of how lucky we are, actualizing our blessings even further, multiplying them, expanding them to all areas of your life.

I wanted to share ten things I love and am abundantly grateful for...

... my ability to love and be loved
... having such a wonderful family
... having so many terrific friends
... my health and fitness
... the fact that I get to take long walks and runs outside
... having such a fulfilling job as a personal trainer that allows me to help others
... the recent spring rain storms
... my home
... my Blog and Blog readers
... being creative and being able to write

I am truly grateful for all of this and more. I am blessed beyond measure.

Honey Bug

buzz
    away
  busy bee
  hum low to me
  my honey bug shares his sweet serenade
    there is no place his song does not invade
  bustle about
    in and out
  buzz to
    me







(Artwork by Max: Honey Bug, 2008)


I wanted to balance my depressing poem from yesterday with something more uplifting to match my present mood. I love this drawing that my son created in preschool; I framed it and it sits on my mantel in our family room. He told me it was a Honey Bug...So cute.

I have long held a love and fascination for bees... Bees have been around for millions of years, they communicate with dance, build hives with hexagonal cells that can be coaxed into sculpture, and pollinate 30% of the world's food supply. I have a friend who was stung by nearly 2,000 bees and lived! I have only been stung once by a bee, but it is said that beekeepers seldom suffer from arthritis or rheumatism.

Only When I Breathe

I break, pieces fall,
Dark world swallow this torment,
  Smother my anguish,
I am to waste away and
  Miss you only when I breathe

Absence of Chaos

This morning a friend of mine shared some of his life stresses with me.  He didn't need me to fix anything, just listen.  I did offer one thought to help him refocus away from the tension, so that he might peruse a solution.

I reminded him to take one moment at a time... Inner peace isn't the absence of chaos... it's just the ability to avoid getting sucked into it...

If I was able to choose the perfect life, it would be without conflict, and all my relationships would be loving, positive and uplifting. I’d enjoy fulfillment and bliss each day. With nary a worry or disappointment, my days would unfold without sorrow, loneliness, pain or loss.

Who wouldn’t be happy with such an ideal? But unfortunately things rarely work this way. Between the jerk who cuts you off during your morning commute, woefully inadequate finances, cheerless employment, ill health, a nagging spouse or morning a loss, the simple pressures of life can spin into doubt, frustration, worry, fear, anger, hopelessness, depression...

In truth, our own peace and happiness has little to do with what comes at us. Sure anyone can be happy when they only come into contact with that which is wonderful and perfect. But since most of us live in the real world, we are surrounded by the normal havoc.

It is our outlook that effects our level of harmony.  Once we accept our circumstances, some of which we can control and others that we can not, we must begin letting go of blame, hurt and anger.  Until we do, we can not focus on possible solutions or acceptance.

Wallowing in the turmoil too long, only impedes us from attaining true joy, lasting everyday happiness. Wallow a bit... fine.  Vent to a friend... great. This process can help us let go... so we can move forward to see the light, find the answers, discover contentment.

Post-Visualizaion

It is said that once a humble man asked a monk if it was possible to find one's way to God.  The enlightened monk replied that the simple act of thinking in such an elevated manner changed a person.  Change originates from our strongest desires and intentions.

(I have been trying to write this post since Saturday. I have a strong desire to finish it. But when I tell anyone I am having difficulty getting it done, well everyone has a suggestion. Today, my sister recommended that I write about Easter... What?  How does that help??? Easter, Easter, Easter... there I wrote about Easter! Happy? I am taking a deep breath now, trying to get back to where I was...)

A specific wish or longing can be represented by a symbol which holds strong personal or spiritual meaning for us.  Visualizing this symbol during meditation can help bring about what you most desire.  Holding an object in your hand that exemplifies our dream, while.......

(Rrrrrrrr..... The only thing I am holding in my hand is my cell phone that perpetually vibrates...)

(Excuse me if you will.... I have a friend who keeps texting me.  I told him that I was busy trying to write... having a hard time finding my voice... not loving what I've wrote so far.... but no he just keeps texting ....)

(I am just going to put my phone on silent and ignore him... he'll go away eventually.)

(Ok... picked up the phone to see what he wrote, because I can't concentrate... Deciding to ignore him wasn't the best idea.  He went into long-winded self-postulating conversation with his alter ego...that has completely filled my in-box.....??)

...I am quite the genius, aren’t I?
always bragging... conceited full of yourself is more like it...
What was that?
u heard me...!
You know what your problem is? I’ll tell you... You’re an idiot!
that’s original... you think that up all on your own?
No.... looked up idiot in the dictionary and it showed a picture of you...
it is hard to hear your muddling, considering that due to your rectal cranial immersion, your wallet is in the way!
Are you trying to say that my head is up my a..? I take offense to that!
take whatever you want to wherever you want it’s the truth...
You are a dead man...
am i supposed to fear that... shudder shudder... oooh...
You frustrate me to my wits end...
btw... what is “SHE” up to...
She has a name, dammit...
that’s a funny name for a girl....
You know you’ve now crossed the line... 
oh trying to be all noble are we ...?!
she just ignores u anyway... some “blog” or something-way more important than u....
I beg to differ... sir!
disinterested more like...
As much as I hate to admit it... You may have a point... She does seem to be preoccupied...
she is probably taking a nap... ur 2 much for her to deal with...
I'm not asleep... trying to write here...
oh look now she feels like responding...
I'm quite a handful, aren't I?
Haven't had time to read any of your texts yet ...Had to get my kiddos... Just letting you TWO go for it... :-)
What ingratitude...
damn convenient isn’t it?
I mean it’s not like we knew everything was ok... I mean she could have been injured...
yea, like laying on the side of some dark ally with a knife wound...
i'm outa here....

Fine, leave! I’m still here...four days later, after spending the last three hours trying to get past my block and this is what I have to show for it. I give up!

I just want to thank all my loving supporters today.  You've helped me immensely. I couldn’t do it without you, truly. Oh and one thing I almost forgot, GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG!

I feel confident that I have visualized the symbolism representing my intention very clearly. (SMILE)