Fear is the principal motivator for our masquerades. We pretend to be something that we are not or we fail to reveal what is really in our hearts because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of judgement, fear we will not be forgiven, fear of anger or hostility, fear we will not be accepted or loved for who we really are.
Letting fear dictate our lives becomes habitual, a vicious circle that will only lead to resentment if we are found out. And we can expect nothing less than discontent in all aspects of our lives, if we cannot be honest with ourselves. Our relationships will continue to we superficial and unsatisfying, our ambitions will leave us empty, our dreams will remain out of reach...
Is that what any of us wants from our life? Living a life that only allows us to be half of what we are... substituting things for feelings, seeking approval instead of substance, grasping for accomplishment, instead of living fully, wholly, here and now...
I know that I don’t want a fragment or fraction of life. I don‘t want an existence that denies a portion of myself!
I want to experience the complete delight, bliss, elation life has to offer each day... even if it is coupled with pain at times. I am willing to accept offending others, if being true to myself brings unparalleled satisfaction and enjoyment. That is not to say I seek to purposefully hurt anyone, but I know from experience that anything less than the truth will not bring me joy. And in the long run, deception only results in more damage, hurt and distrust.
Over the last couple of months, my life has been turned on its head. It had been a work in progress, but it came full tilt in the last week. I was faced with the option of continuing to misinform someone very close to me or disclose the truth. I knew my admission would cause great pain and anger, possibly resulting in retribution and withdrawal.
In the end, I decided to divulge all. And it did cause deep pain, anger, moments of retaliation and a lot of withdrawal. I never set about to cause such anguish, but I made a decision not to deny what was most important to my present and future happiness in order to preserve the comfort of another person. And in all honesty, this ‘comfort’ was in and of itself a facade.... that had produced little joy for either of us over the last few years.
My confession removed a great weight from my shoulders. We are still working through the repercussions, but are actually closer than we have been in a long time. And he admitted to me that he admired my strength and respected the courage it took to be completely honest.
As I disclose my choice further to my family and friends, I know that I will be greeted with a certain amount of disappointment, anger and disbelief, and I accept this. For the most part though, I am sure the people who really know and love me will be accept my decision, and perhaps wish they too could take such a chance.
Even if I do not find what I believe awaits me, it will be a risk well worth taking. Not matter the outcome, I will not have failed. For the first time in my life, I am not living life in pieces. I am finally leaving fear behind to peruse happiness. Living fully, wholly, here and now.
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