Stupid Silly Girl

Have you ever put yourself into a situation that you knew most likely from the onset wasn't going to turn out well. Your sixth sense tried to warn you, but you pushed on without regard, because you had ulterior motives, or more often than not, in my case... lacked sound judgment.

Like that blind date I agreed to go on with a friend of a friend. I didn’t find him attractive, his car reeked of the early 80’s and three glasses of wine later he wasn’t any more charming. I guess I went out with him because I was bored and didn’t at the time have any better prospects... stupid, silly girl. As he drove me home at 185/mph (literally) with my nails dug into the arm rest, I just kept thinking please God don't let me die next to this moron.

And my little known secret of the time I decided to tie the knot in Las Vegas in the middle of the night... in a black dress.  That should have been a clear omen right there... Definitely not well thought out, but we are all allowed at least one major lapse, aren’t we?

Then there was that time I went to an audition at a small artsy-fartsy theatre company in the Haight-Ashbury district.  I nervously read cold from a script written by the company’s producer-director-playwright who was a too-full-of-himself ass, but I smiled and sucked up, hoping for a bit part.  His lovely assistant though was literally my doppelganger... which must have given me false comfort.

I was hopeful that being kept so long engaged in uninteresting chit-chat (2-1/2 hours) meant I had impressed him with my acting abilities.... again, I was a stupid, silly girl.

At the end of my audition, he asked if I would be willing to pose nude for him... really... unbelievable, the nerve of this guy!?! He wanted to sketch me side-by-side with his assistant. Fine, whatever... as long as I got paid. I was a starving college student, who thought herself above the trappings of conventional modesty or clothing.  Or at least I was trying to convince myself of that. Whatever the case, I really couldn’t afford principles that month so I agreed.

I returned a week later, by myself.  (Now what was I thinking!?!?! I promise to teach my own daughters better than that.) And there was no lovely assistant this time... go figure?  Just me and Mr. he-thinks-way-too-much-of-himself... alone together.

No windows were evident in the warehouse studio, no one could probably hear my screams through the brick walls, I didn‘t know where the phone was, none of my friends knew exactly where I was... (I’m shaking my head now in disbelief as I remember my stupidity... wondering what was going through my mind?? Very little obviously...) But at the time I was only slightly uneasy, and being a complete an idiot, I convinced myself all would be fine.

Mr. he-thinks-himself-a-big-shot asked if I was ready, feeling comfortable? I lied and said yes. He pointed out a small stage where I was to pose, which was strewn with pillows and blankets... a bit brothel-esk. I noticed that the stage was surrounded by three video cameras that he was fiddling with.  Panic started kicking in.

I asked him if he was still planning to sketch me. Without looking at me, he asked if we had agreed upon $100 and I said yes... He stated that he wouldn’t pay anyone that amount to just sketch them.  He only offered that much for video, so I must have misunderstood. I was going numb on the spot, legs locked in place... he kept fiddling with the cameras.

Finally, he showed me to a small restroom where I could undress.  He offered me a robe.  I closed the door behind me, and realized there was no lock.  The walls didn’t even extend to the ceiling... it was just a cubicle of sorts. I kept trying to tell myself that I could do this... it was no big deal... I was way too uptight and everything was going to be fine.

Ultimately, something in me snapped back to reality, when he knocked on the door.  I had the overwhelming feeling that I had to get out of there and quick.  As my finger tips reached for the knob, he called out to me, asking if everything was ok. I lied again, saying yes.

After a few minutes of holding my breath, I warily opened the door and peaked out, his back was to me as he fiddled away with the cameras. Without hesitation, I walked quickly and as silently as I could toward the front door.  Thankfully he didn’t look up from his work.  I muttered almost incoherently that I had changed my mind and had to leave.

I didn’t look back or wait for a response.  I hit the pavement running, digging through my purse for my car keys, hoping he didn’t pursue me. Two blocks away I fumbled my car door open, threw myself inside and frantically locked the door, breathing a deep sigh of relief. I didn‘t see him, but I wasn’t going to wait for him to appear.  As I jammed the keys into the ignition and speed away, I cursed myself for being such a ninny.

Thinking you are invincible can sometimes be truly perilous.  Having the attitude that ‘you can and should be able to do anything’ may drive your ambitions, but it can also cloud your reasoning.  No fear coupled with no common sense... not a good combo, at least for me. In the past, I always seemed to land myself in situations that teetered on the edge of absolute recklessness.

Somehow I managed to survive, but not without scars.  I’d like to think I have out grown all of this. That I actually think before I act, but I can’t be sure. Intellectually, I’ve got more street smarts, but emotionally maybe it’s the drama I crave when life gets mundane. Or maybe I let my feelings take over and rule my brain.

I do not see myself merely as a stupid, silly girl. I know that I am capable of making sound decisions on most occasions. Yet at times I still find myself abandoning reason for emotion and cringing at the consequences afterwards. At least the stupid, silly girl in me has learned how to laugh at herself, not taking it too seriously, especially when I live to tell about it. Invincible or not,  I’ve managed to get through, so I suppose I can handle what ever else may come my way. Right? Right! Oh.... ever the stupid, silly girl...