It’s tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath

I just want to check and see if it is OK if I openly hate all men this week? Sorry guys... I just need to embrace my anger and go with it. Nothing personal really. It's not ALL men, just the one's I have managed to come in contact with this week. Self-centered, arrogant, clueless, BS...

I have been going to AA meetings since January, and it has been a great source of peace and spirituality for me. It is amazing how you can share the most intimate details of your life with a room full of complete strangers just because you are all drunks. As someone put it so eloquently, "I wouldn't drink with most of you people, but I'll get sober with you."

So I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching and sometimes crying at these meetings over the last couple months. I have disclosed vague details of the demise of my male relationships that has occurred recently. And when I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and whining at every meeting, well I shifted into a rage. And that is how I am feeling now.... pissed. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs, pound on the walls, pissed.

And to top off the ‘I hate MEN’ week that I’m having... tonight this guy who I’ve seen in the past at meetings, asks me for my phone number right in the middle of the meeting... He starts to explain that he too has just gone through a rough relationship break up and for him the thing that helped most was to talk to people, so he thought maybe I wanted to talk sometime or get some coffee and discuss what I 'm going through... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? REALLY?? Do I look like I just fell off a dumb truck...??

But in lue of anger or pain, pounding and screaming, tears and hatred, and utter head-shaking disbelief, I am choosing to be grateful. Grateful for all the men in my life that are wonderful and truly keep me sane.

I am grateful for my father who is one of the kindest men I know. I am thankful for my oldest brother for believing that Life is but a Dream, my middle brother who I love to go camping with, and my baby brother who felt my pain as deeply as I did.

I am truly appreciative of my children’s father (even when he was on my hit list at times this week) for being a great dad, for my brother-in-law for looking out for me, and for my guy friends who love me for me and never expect more. And I am ever grateful for my grandpa Max, who I named my son after, for buying me my first BB gun, teaching me how to fish, telling me stories, and always making me smile. Miss you Grandpa...

I actually feel much better now. It’s a bit tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath. And it is impossible to hate ALL men. Honestly I don’t really hate anyone... sorry I even thought that out loud. I just don’t like hurting and weeping and fuming, so I am choosing to let that tornado of emotions go... I cried, I raged, I forgave. Now I’m moving on.