Crippled by Indecision

Recently someone tried to impart me with the knowledge that the most precarious place we can exist is in a state of indecision. For in this position we are not only miserable, but we are not growing or moving forward in our lives.

If we are faced with what seems like a life altering decision, having to chose A over B can be overwhelming, almost crippling. It can seem utterly impossible to decide which is the best choice? Which will result in the least negative consequences? Which will hurt more or less, to ourselves and others? In the long run which is the right and best thing to do?

Sometimes the actual state of indecision seems less painful or fraught than either of the possible choices. So we remain in this unresolved place, hoping for a solution through fate or revelation.

When I was younger, I was faced with a choice that I felt could alter my future irreparably. Though I had always planned to attend college after high school and structured my studies accordingly, I came to a point when I was unsure if that was actually what I should do.

I became involved in a relationship with a boy that was not very healthy. He was controlling and abusive, but at that time in my life, I was deeply in love. He stated in no uncertain terms that if I chose to go off to college, he couldn’t promise he would be there when I got back. His motives were not that of honesty, but of control.

But I was left with a difficult decision: Go to college and possibly lose him or stay in my hometown with him. Obviously this may seem like a no-brainer, but he was the strongest influence in my life at that time, and even though I knew my father wanted me to go to college, he didn’t attempt to influence me with much force. And even if he had, I don’t know if I would I have given it any heed?
I worried over my choice for many weeks, until it made me physically ill and I had completely run out of time. On one hand, if I left our small town to go to school, my boyfriend might break up with me and start dating someone else. At the time I loved him so much (or at least what I thought was love) that I feared I would never love anyone else as much. And even more terrifying was the concern that no one else would ever love me as much as he did and I would be alone.

On the other hand, if I decided against college, I could marry my boyfriend, but I would be relegated to what ever job I could get. I would be closing the door on my future education and growth, and on a fulfilling career.

On the morning I was to take the SAT exam, I finally decided to forgo attending a university. The following week, I altered my school schedule so that half of the school day during my senior year would be spent working as a receptionist. I considered this the best course of action in order to gain job skills so I would have some options when I graduated.

Now believe it or not, that all-important relationship did eventually come to an end... boo hoo... NOT. Though I was a few years behind some of my friends, I did get my college degree and was probably a better student because I was more mature and focused than I would have been at 18. Even though high insight tells me without a doubt, I made the absolute wrong decision, nothing was actually so life-altering that all future happiness and opportunities were removed from me.

The point is though, when we have to make a decision, how do we do so with out remaining in a constant state of uncertainty? Especially if we are worried about making the wrong choice, a choice which could possibly produce irreversible damage to our life or the lives of others?

First off, remaining undecided too long is risky, because we may lose our ability to chose. Something or someone else may decide for us or a choice may be removed or lost. But more importantly, we lose time in indecision. Day after day, often spent in stress or despair, slips away.

We hesitate because we fear pain or regret, so we try to look at each option and how it might play out in the future. Pondering the possible outcomes means we have to try and predict what will happen. Without a crystal ball, prediction is difficult and uncertain. The more we analyze, often the more ambivalent we feel.

When making these tough choices we believe the consequences are very serious to ourselves, our future, and the feelings and lives of others. We try to determine which option will be the best for all.

But the more we focus on the need to make a decision, the more we distort its importance, and in turn the more difficult it is to take action..... aaaaaarrrrrrr! It is a vicious cycle and the longer we hold off deciding, the more limited our choices become!

We often believe a choice that we make right now, could have catastrophic consequences in our life if it is the wrong choice. We mistakenly believe one decision will change everything in our life from that point forward.

What I have found is that IF I look at a difficult decision in a present-minded manner versus a cataclysmic approach, the process is much less traumatic and the possible repercussions less fearful. (That can sometimes be a very big IF for me, because I am not always present-minded... but I keep trying.)

If I look at a choice I need to make by considering only the present moment, without regard or prediction of all future events, then I find that it is much easier to make. If we can try to make a choice by looking at just how it effects our present situation, we need only consider the immediate consequences, which allows us to focus on how our decision feels: right or wrong versus the possible devastation of our entire future.

Indecision results from fear. Down deep we probably know the right choice, but sometimes we need time to muster the strength to choose. Waiting too long only obscures what we really want or need.

Hesitancy makes us feel we are giving our choice a lot of thought and consideration, but in the end it only hinders our growth. If we focus on the present, we will see the path that we have probably already chosen. Once we accept that we are strong enough to follow through, we can begin to let go of worry and uncertainty; we can stop wasting time and energy, and start living.