Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Ending with Hope


At the beginning of this year, e-skyoo [askew] was born... with no precise direction or goal. Mainly as a product of my own self-growth over the past three years, I made a decision to reach out to others who may share some of the same experiences and impairments.

I have used this blog to tell my stories, offer encouragement, provide advice and purge my soul at times. So much has occurred in my life over these last few months, and I have divulged much here. I have truly enjoyed connecting to my readers... realizing we have more in common than I ever expected. That discovery has been of great benefit to me in ways that you can not comprehend and I thank you one and all.

I have posted very little in the last couple weeks for several reasons. First I have been busy beyond my capabilities, so instead of just throwing something out there, I held tight to the belief that I would eventually have more time to write. I feel I owe the few loyal readers I have my best work.

Secondly, I have been going through a period of emotional turmoil and stress. I didn’t want to spew the depression I find myself in onto these pages. I would rather offer support and solutions.

Pain also has a way of zapping my creativity, but I know that it will not last forever. I feel selfish for thinking my problems are so big, that my suffering is insurmountable. In truth, when I am honest with myself and get out of my own crazy head, I know that I have tons to be grateful for. My petty crap is nothing in comparison to the hardship and adversity others are presently facing.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

You are what you eat

As a personal trainer, many of my clients come to me with a goal to lose weight... at this point all of them! Outside of the actual time they spend with me doing a weight training workout (anywhere from one to three 1/2-hour sessions per week) I do everything I can to help them achieve this goal. This includes designing a detailed cardiovascular exercise plan, tracking circumference and body fat measurements and modifying their diet.

Here is the truth about weight loss...Sssshhhh.... My clients don't want to hear this (after signing a long-term personal training contract), and my boss doesn't want me to say this (it might cut into the gym’s profits), but here it is... hope I don’t get fired. At least 70 percent of weight loss is dependent upon what we EAT! Scientific studies support this, as well as my own personal experience. And I tell this to all my clients because it is important for them to know the truth so that they can approach weight loss in a realistic manner.

That is not to say that exercise is not important... it plays an important role in enhancing our overall health, fitness and performance. Exercise improves cardiovascular health, increases bone density, enhances balance and flexibility, decreases risk of injury, provides rehabilitation, increases metabolism, improves strength and changes body appearance.

I personally love to exercise and would never consider life without it. A program combining exercise and diet is considered by doctors to be the best approach. But when it comes to weight loss, the truth is... You are what you eat!

With that said, I want to share what I consider to be my top six nuggets of advice that I regularly suggest to my clients. Most of which are probably not new to you if you have ever been on a quest to lose weight, but I consider these to have the most impact.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

30 Things Motherhood Taught Me

When I look back over the years... 12 years... there are countless things I learned as a mother, things that I never would have known had it not been for my three beautiful children—Hannah, Sara and Max. Though most of the lessons were wonderful and amazing, some were not easy or pleasant or, even valuable, as far as I can tell up to this point... but they are an inseparable part of me. They have helped shape me into who I am today. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I learned...

... the names of all four Teletubbies--Dipsy, Tinky-Winky, Lala and Po
... holding my new born baby could be thrilling and terrifying in the same moment
... my children would repeat every ‘bad word’ I said at the worst possible moments
... washable paint doesn’t mean the same as wash-off-able or wash-out-able
... I can’t compare number two to number one; they are totally different beings
... number three was a blessing, never an oops
... doughnuts are a great bribery tool
... boys may never learn to lift the lid
... all my children had to color on the walls or in a book at least once, some more than once
... that to avoid a toddler who is utterly crestfallen, crushed, disappointed and defeated and who blames me for it all, I should have taken roses to the Wiggles concert... why did no one tell me these things
... not to EVER place a bouncy seat on an elevated surface as clearly and boldly printed on the warning label... sorry Love
... it’s ok to let her wear her Sleeping Beauty ‘dress-up’ shoes and Minnie Mouse dress to the store
... even at seven he wants his mother to scoop him up and sooth him when he gets hurt at a baseball game
... to ALWAYS bring snacks whenever, wherever I go with my kiddos
... letting a baby cry themselves to sleep is gut wrenching
... bathtub crayons are an impossible nightmare to clean off of white grout
... it is OK to use the TV babysitter
... my girls couldn’t be kept away from pink, sparkly, frilly stuff no matter how hard I resisted
... the time between her first day of kindergarten and her first day of junior high was so short
... parenting by volume is difficult to avoid at times
... Biter Biscuits are soooooo messy and that I should send what was left of the box to the babysitter’s house
... not to let my child stand up in the basket part of the shopping cart, as clearly and boldly printed on the warning label... sorry again Love


... all my children had to try cutting their own hair, some more than once
... Goodnight Moon can take 30 minutes to read
... nursemaid’s elbow (partial dislocation of the elbow) can easily and quickly be fixed at home and doesn’t necessitate a 20-minute drive to the emergency room while my child issues forth endless waves of blood-curdling screams
... meandering walks lead by a two-year-old are some of my most cherished memories
... a juice filled sippy cup left in a hot car creates a huge leaky, oozing, sticky mess
... the sound of my children’s laughter and giggles is the best therapy
... the laundry is never, and I mean NEVER done
... my children love me and forgive me even when I make mistakes, even really big huge ones

I am sure it goes without saying, this is by no means a complete and exhaustive list of what motherhood has taught me. And I know without a doubt I still have many lessons yet to learn...both joyously and painfully. I am grateful for my three little chicklets and the lessons learned, making me a better me.

I'd love to hear what motherhood (or fatherhood) has taught you?

Happy Mother’s Day

Friday, May 7, 2010

Here and Now

It is said that if we practice being present in the moment, we can have clarity, focus and peace. But I will be the first to admit that I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen or how things will work out. I also tend to relive events of the past in my twisted mind which were painful or I wish I had done differently.

Finances, health concerns, relationships, regrets... so much of which is out of our control... the future is not written and the past can not be undone. When I focus undue energy on the past or future, usually because of fear or anxiety, I only manage to torture myself with the awful possibilities... creating imagined realities that may never come to pass.

Concentrating on the past, wishing it were different, serves no purpose. I can not divorce myself from the past, but instead of regret, I need to learn from my mistakes or choices and then let go of the negative emotions I associate with these memories.

Now this is certainly easier said than done... I am a perfect example. But I know it is possible... at least I know that I can be present if I remind myself to do so. And sometimes I have to remind myself over and over. Is it possible to always be present? I doubt it, but when lack of presence causes anger, fear, anxiety, worry and inaction, well I know I need to try something different.

There are times when my mind wanders, and I just can’t seem to help it. But there is no failure in this... I just need to call myself back, and back again, and back again if necessary. As often as it is necessary. When I am going through a trying time in my life, it seems I have to remind myself almost every other second.

But I have found that the more I practice living in the moment, it becomes easier. And unbelievably (for my brain loves to dwell on the crap) there are times it comes naturally, unforced.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Lifted by Friendship

It feels like forever since I have had the time to sit down and write... out-of-control busy... lots of stuff going on in my life, good and bad. Not so much bad as sad and difficult and uncertain and scary. I am sure this sounds familiar to everyone. I am not unique, but it is easy to start feeling like my world is crumbling and that it will never get better. You know, wallowing in my own self-pity. I am a master at this...

Thank God I have so many good friends... I had a couple things take place this afternoon that caused me a lot of anguish, but I got right on the phone, calling, texting, spewing, crying, ranting... and believe it or not I feel so much better than I did. A weight has been lifted...

Now for me this hasn't always been easy... to reach out and ask for help or just unload the things that are going on in my life. I would go through stuff and just hold it in and before long I was downright miserable. The fear, pain and hopelessness growing the longer I kept it bottled up.

Within a two-hour span this afternoon, I cut ties with a close friend (sad but necessary) then I followed it up with a screaming match with my soon-to-be-ex-husband (who I am sure unwittingly caught the jagged edges of my mood.)

Oh the joy, joy joy. I wanted to blubber, curse, crumble and rage all at once, and I did a little of all, but I also reached out to people in my life that really care about me and my well-being. Some offered advice, others adages, while a couple just listened.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thank God Music Teachers Can't Spell

Ok... so I didn't get home until midnight... late meeting... then I still have to make two Teacher Appreciation door signs that need to be hung tomorrow... I guess that would be today, this afternoon. But of course I had to mess around on Facebook for an hour first.

I already knew what I was going to put on each sign, had all my letters cut out... from the school's handy dandy die cut thingamajig. For my children’s music teacher, I used a Cole Porter song, You're the Top as a theme. Printed out a bunch of hats, including a top hat, glued them all on, and viola, the first one is done.

That was the easiest teacher appreciation sign I have ever made. No hot glue necessary this year or stuffed animals or moving parts. Kept it simple. I should have knocked on wood...

So I am assembling the second one for our PE teacher... laying it all out and then I realize I am missing an E and oh yeah by the way it is 3:00 AM. Time for bed... way past. I can glue it together tomorrow.... but first I have to put it all away, because my insanely smart mutts will be all over it in the morning if I don't.

All cleaned up, scarps recycled, glue put away, scissors stored... admiring my work on the first sign. And well here is a reality, my brain doesn't work on next-to-no-sleep and that is what I am going on this week which is a carry over from the previous week and the week before that.

By this time in the morning, I begin to feel drunk even though I haven't had a drop. My speech seems slurred, my reactions slow, and come 6:45 there will be hell to pay... I will be a total crab ass through the entire morning routine... guaranteed.

So back to admiring my handy work... when I see it... look close. Really?!?! Did I actually mix up the letters?!?! Yes I did....

So tired.... I go to bed now.... rip it off and re-glue it in the morning... Doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t think music teachers can spell... they just sing... right? You know I'm kidding. Oh and please don't ask me why I had to blog right now... my brane if vary fuzzzy...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Life with Purpose

Today I experienced one of those weeeeeoooooooo right-time-right-place moments... Some may call it fortuitous, happy accident, serendipitous, dumb luck, random chance, good fortune, coincidence. But I don’t believe in luck or coincidence. I believe that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment.

Each moment of our lives is important, to be treasured... we will never get it back. The weeeeeoooooooo moment I refer to from today made my heart race and stirred something inside of me deeply. I know without a doubt that God lead me there so that I could help someone in great need.

By great I don’t mean that I pulled anyone from a burning building or such... just every day life stuff. But stuff I know about personally that can profoundly influence our happiness if we don’t eventually deal with it.

Now the details are not necessary, I am not a hero... I just had the tools that someone else desperately needed. I had an answer to their burning question. Through my experience I could offer hope. I cannot know the future, but I was able to help them see what they could do today... where they could go from here... how to perhaps begin anew.

And that was no accident. I felt God’s presence with me in a way that I haven’t felt in many many years. Although He has always been with me, I went through a period in my life when I chose not to see, not to feel, not to believe. Today, in a brief moment, I felt the power of my faith ... flowing from me to another.

Now will this person’s life be changed forever? I am not that powerful or full of myself. I only gave them a thought, a direction, a possibility. The rest will be up to them. But being able to help someone else and give them hope, that was the real miracle for ME... Not what may or may not happen in the future... for this I can not control.

Striving to help others, abandoning my pursuit of things, letting go of my selfish behaviors... Service. Could service be the purpose of my life, my course to follow? This was certainly the path shown to me today.

No matter where you are, no matter when... you are where you are supposed to be. Every thought and action we have has the power to effect someone else. What will you choose to do with that power?

"Your time on this earth is a gift to be used wisely. Don't squander your words or your thoughts. Consider that even the simplest actions you take for your lives matter beyond measure...and they matter forever." Andy Andrews, The Noticer

Monday, April 26, 2010

A Hoppy Ending

As an individual full of faults, flaws and shortcomings, in the past I have often done the same (not so smart) thing over and over, getting the same results without realizing the pattern. And even when I identify and accept a behavior defect about myself that is none too flattering, I find I am still prone to repeating it. When I sidestep a fear or weakness, it tends to sidle back in and bite me.

I was recently smacked in the face with one such unpleasant penchant of mine. I don’t like to admit out loud to anyone that I suffer from this affliction... but since my marriage is dissolving, I must begrudgingly concede that it is high time I address this tendency.

I am a Hopper. I am sure you are wondering what the heck is a hopper? It doesn’t identify someone who is good at hopscotch or a hop-picking machine or a green leaf-eating insect. It is a little pet name adopted by myself and a fellow hopper.

It means I hop from one relationship with a man to another. As soon as I am done with one, I move almost immediately on to the next... no downtime, sometimes they even overlap. During my entire adult life, I have never been alone... except for one brief period of a few months when I was miserably lonely and constantly on the look out for someone to fill my void.

Until recently I had classified my being a hopper as nothing more than a genetic idiosyncrasy, but not necessarily detrimental. I now realize my habitual behavior borders on unhealthy and destructive. OK... it more than borders, IT IS unhealthy and destructive.

Even when I thought I had got lucky and hopped into a healthy relationship, eventually I was faced with the truth of yet another unhappy end. Not because the men I chose were always terrible human beings, but because they weren’t necessarily right for me and I never took the time to determine this between hops.

Moreover, if I happened to be in a bad spot in my life when I hopped (which is generally the case for me... no relationship = despair) well it doesn’t matter who I hopped to saint or psycho. If God had put the perfect man in front of me, I would have screwed it up, because I was screwed up.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Girl Power!


Did you know a female fetus develops ovaries around eight weeks gestation which contain nearly seven million eggs?!?!?! By the time a baby girl is born this number is reduced to one million and by puberty only about 400 eggs remain. Now that alone demonstrates to me a higher power... my very existence was certainly chosen if I could beat those odds!

But I also ponder the physic-spiritual-chemical-body-soul-universe link that women have with their children, especially girls... as our daughter’s carry on this link to the next generation. OK... I’ll speak clearly or at least try...

Shortly after my mother was conceived (eight weeks or so) the ONE egg which was to become 50 percent of MY own unique genetic code was there within her. This ONE egg (half of me) was carried with her for over 20 years, undergoing and experiencing the changes of her body’s internal environment.

When she had feelings of joy and sadness, anger and peace, stress, fatigue and restfulness... her body reacted chemically with each. When she learned to walk, talk, do algebra, drive a car, again there were chemical reactions occurring in her brain that developed new neural links. But the things she learned also influenced her feelings and actions, which effected her entire being. When she ate nutritiously as a small child, chose potato chips for dinner as an adolescent, or got drunk for the first time... the whole of her mind and body were effected... often in undetectable ways.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Wandering from Home - Part 2

Sometimes we begin a journey expecting an outcome so different than what we actually experience. Part of this gap can be accounted for through a lack of preparation (guilty) or chalked up to the fact that it is a totally novel adventure (guilty again). But sometimes we gain something far greater than any of our expectations and we are changed forever.

Day 2 - Saturday, April 10, 2010

As suggested by my brother, Wendy and I should have gotten up and left for the canyon by 4:00 AM; it was a two hour drive to the trailhead from Kingman. Well it just so happens that my brother wasn't with us and wasn't going on the hike with us, so we didn't heed his advice... na na na na naaaaa

We awoke after 6:00, didn't get on the road till nearly 7:00 and finally made it to the Hualapai Hilltop parking lot around 9:00. Another wonderful day of setting our very own schedule... no deadlines, no urgencies, no have-to-be-somewhere-right-now, and NO ONE complaining because we were late. This alone brought a freedom and peace that was unknown to both of us. Perhaps we should have just turned around and headed back home at that point... I mean why mess with something so perfect?

Upon stepping from the car, I got my first glance at the awe inspiring magnificence of the Grand Canyon. It was sooooo big, sooooo deep.... sooooo woooooweeee wow wow!

Then I noticed the switchback, stair-stepped trail creeping down the canyon wall... Holy Crap-oly! It seemed to never end... and look at those people way down there where the trail finally starts to flatten out and head off into the distance, they look sooooo small and far away! And they were!!! We looked at one another and wondered what the H-E-Double Toothpicks had we got ourselves into?!?!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tuesday that feels like Monday

Even though today was Tuesday, on many levels it felt like Monday. Maybe because it was my first day back to work this week or because I was ooooh soooo tired which I am sure heightened my sensitivity to everything around me. I found myself feeling critical of others, but I also felt justified at times... which I am sure is not a good combination and will lead nowhere good...

In general, I really do try to be kind to other people, to not throw out my judgments or participate in idle or cruel gossip. I know that I wasn't always like that... When I was younger, and full of my own extreme insecurities, I could be quick to cut someone else down behind their back. I do try not to be so catty now... but have you ever come into contact with someone who just rubs you the wrong way and you can't help harboring ill thoughts about them?

At the gym where I work, there are a lot of affluent members. Most don't flaunt it but once in a while you witness someone looking down their nose. They can't quite treat you as they would a friend of equal status, because you work at the gym versus being a member. They hold themselves just above you, conveying their superiority whenever your paths do cross.

I find that with these type of people, I either kill them with kindness... making them feel like crap for being so smug. Or I go out of my way to hold myself above them by not making eye contact, ignoring their presence, or the-real-kicker by being in better shape than they are... he he he.

In the end though, I know they act the way they do because they are insecure and afraid. They puff themselves up to accentuate what they have that I don’t, only to conceal what they don’t have, which is confidence and a love for themselves.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Wandering from Home - Part 1


I was thrilled when my sister-in-law Wendy invited me on a trip to the Grand Canyon. Sure, sure, sure... I will hike it with you... No problem!! But what started out as a girl's weekend away, turned out incredibly different. We embarked upon a bona fide adventure, that challenged us more than expected with quite a few lessons learned. Some of these lessons came the hard way, but I wouldn't trade any of them. The obstacles we overcame, revealed a part of ourselves we had not known before.

Day 1 - Friday, April 9, 2010

With my kiddos off to school, I packed up my gear and headed off. I was supposed to leave home around 11:00 AM, but being the girl I am, I didn't manage to set off until 1:30. But I had no real deadline, so it felt good for once to not have to worry about being anywhere at any set time or screaming and cursing at someone because I was late yet again.

My first destination was Kingman, Arizona, where my brother and sister-in-law live with their three children. Now ironically, my brother was traveling to my house with his kiddos AS I traveled to his home. So all six wild-and-out-of-control cousins and three hyper dogs would be at my house with the two husbands for the weekend, and I would be with my sister-in-law, just the two of us, existing in perfect harmony and peace. Sometimes the planets just align...

Needless to say, I was floating on a cloud as I headed out of Phoenix through Wickenburg, so much so that I began to nod off as I was driving. I knew that I was extremely sleep deprived... I hadn’t managed to get more than fours hours of sleep in a given night over the last three weeks. Now I could have pulled over and rested, but I would have had to sleep for at least eight hours on the side of the road in order to not be in a state of dozing off... so I pushed on.

I sent out a few texts hoping for some company on the road. I heard back from my sister Jen, who reminded me to be careful texting while driving... Which I know to be dangerous, and irresponsible, and bad, and wrong, but I do it anyway sometimes... sorry, but at least I am honest... and I don’t do it with my kids in the car... scout’s honor. That way I could turn up my music really loud, put the AC on high, set the cruise control and still carry on a conversation. I believed all of these components were necessary to stay awake.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Lesson of the Week


What I learned this week... Well even though I keep hearing it, I keep experiencing it, I keep hurting because of it (for years now).... I was unable to believe it. Once I begrudgingly resigned myself to accept it though... my pain, fear and emotional turmoil was lightened (No no no... not entirely removed, that would be asking too much, but close enough and I am grateful for that.)

Here IT is.... There is NO human being that I know or will ever know that can fulfill me, make me happy or meet my needs. The more I think and believe that another person can do these things for me, the more I am discontented with myself and my relationships. When I accept that the only way for me to have peace, happiness, fulfillment is to give my life over to God and let him lead. He is the ONLY certainty that I can ever completely count on. He will always love me unconditionally, even with my countless and ever emerging flaws.

Off and on all week, I was thrown a curve here or there by people in my life. My reactions ranged from anger and sadness to anxiety and disappointment. But I was actually able to curtail those emotions from developing into full blown tantrums, cuss outs or target practice.

I recognized my feelings, acknowledged that they were valid (at least somewhat), and allowed myself to feel them. Then I remembered that I didn’t need to go over the edge, because I have a power much greater than myself that will give me peace and solutions. I have a power that will put all right with the world. Just by knowing and remembering that things would work out, that I would be loved no matter the outcome, I was able to let go of my emotional baggage. I do not have to feel let down, lonely or worried when I put my faith in God.

Now putting too much faith in a human being, well that is an entirely different story... a trap we all fall into from time to time. Certainly we should and do believe in each other, but if we base our self-worth and happiness on another person, then we are likely to be miserable, if not immediately, it will eventually happen. Lets face it... nobody is even close to perfect and nobody wants exactly what we want. So even when I felt wronged, I was able to know that it would work out, that I need not feel destroyed, despondent or hopeless. Instead I felt assured and peaceful; I smiled from the inside out.

Oh and let me not forget to share lesson #2... when you drive away too fast in a blue minivan, turns out you don’t look all I-gotta-need-for-speed. Whoever happens to be watching your display of raw V6 power, just thinks you are mad... Go figure? I have to laugh at myself for that one... I’m such a dork!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Walking on the Edge

I scan the surface of the grey-blue face, seeking the longest most challenging path to the top. My first grip doesn’t hold as I attempt to heft myself up with one foot jammed into a crevasse. Running my fingers along the ridges of the rock, I hope to find a lip that will provide more leverage for my next attempt.

Pulling and pushing at once, I lift off the ground, pressing my cheek against the smooth, cool stone. Ever scanning for my next hand hold, I know I cannot remain in one position too long. Already I feel my left toe slipping, loosing its grasp. My mind focuses, exploring the possibilities, thrill surging my pulse.

Moving on without hesitation, maintaining three points of contact, I quickly scale the 15 feet to the first landing. Balancing on one foot and then the other, I feel my breath catch with excitement as I teeter on the edge and then move on to the next and highest ledge.

Looking out over the pool that awaits, fear seeps in. Excitement, rushes through my veins, reflexively turning up the corners of my mouth. To calm myself, I chatter on to onlookers, to myself. What do I fear most? The distance, the impact? No... the cold, definitely the cold.

In mid-sentence, I step off the edge, surprising the witnesses... myself. I hear a scream of joy, of fear, of ecstasy, echoing off the cliff, my scream. As I plummet into the icy water, my knees pull up into a ball, my arms pull down to slow my descent. Enveloped by the clear emerald waters, the suns rays pierce the surface, illuminating the four feet of water above my head. It is like gazing up through a massive green marble.

A succession of resolute and furious kicks send me bursting through the river’s surface. My lungs gasp, not so much for air but in reaction to the crushing cold. Half way to the bank my chest seizes to the chill, I can not breath. My too-often-taken-for-granted arms and legs do not fail, but carry me to the bank. With unexpected effort, I crawl from the water. Falling upon the beach in exhaustion, I wrap myself in the warmth of the sand, struggling for breath, laughing for joy, beaming from ear to ear, gratefully knowing I am alive.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Crippled by Indecision

Recently someone tried to impart me with the knowledge that the most precarious place we can exist is in a state of indecision. For in this position we are not only miserable, but we are not growing or moving forward in our lives.

If we are faced with what seems like a life altering decision, having to chose A over B can be overwhelming, almost crippling. It can seem utterly impossible to decide which is the best choice? Which will result in the least negative consequences? Which will hurt more or less, to ourselves and others? In the long run which is the right and best thing to do?

Sometimes the actual state of indecision seems less painful or fraught than either of the possible choices. So we remain in this unresolved place, hoping for a solution through fate or revelation.

When I was younger, I was faced with a choice that I felt could alter my future irreparably. Though I had always planned to attend college after high school and structured my studies accordingly, I came to a point when I was unsure if that was actually what I should do.

I became involved in a relationship with a boy that was not very healthy. He was controlling and abusive, but at that time in my life, I was deeply in love. He stated in no uncertain terms that if I chose to go off to college, he couldn’t promise he would be there when I got back. His motives were not that of honesty, but of control.

But I was left with a difficult decision: Go to college and possibly lose him or stay in my hometown with him. Obviously this may seem like a no-brainer, but he was the strongest influence in my life at that time, and even though I knew my father wanted me to go to college, he didn’t attempt to influence me with much force. And even if he had, I don’t know if I would I have given it any heed?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My Little Van Goghs


In 2002, I had the honor of working with Bay Area artist Judy Gittelsohn putting paint brushes into the hands of individuals with developmental disabilities. I wrote the grant request that went on to fund a therapeutic art program led by Judy that culminated in a gallery exhibition of some truly amazing works of art--two paintings of which hang in my upstairs hallway.

I love Judy's art and how she shares her talents. Today she continues to teach and inspire individuals with special needs through the Art for Well Beings program in Palo Alto, California.

What I learned from Judy and the years I worked with adults with developmental disabilities at Kainos was that creativity is not limited by disability. Painting increases self-esteem, boosts confidence, reduces stress, improves fine motor skills, and provides an outlet for feelings, while enhancing communication and social skills.

Art therapy is used to treat multiple conditions including bipolar, posttraumatic stress and learning disorders in children and adults. In addition to helping enhance mental and emotional health, art therapy can increase self-awareness and cognitive abilities and aid in healing traumatic emotional experiences. Art therapy can also reduce pain, tension and anxiety, and is used with patients who suffer from chronic, debilitating, and terminal illnesses.


When I asked my kiddos today if anyone wanted to paint, I got a resounding YES, YES, YESSSS! My children love any opportunity to don their paint smocks and get messy. An even greater thrill filled them when they found out they would get to use the-paints-that-don‘t-wash-out-of-your-clothes... oooooooo. With brushes in hand and paints mixed, art quieted the masses. Perfecting our canvas was a cooperative effort, in both patience (mostly mine being tried) and creativity. But the results were amazing. And for a brief period, all was tranquil in our little loony bin.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Prodigal Daughter

Two Sundays ago, I loaded my kids in the car, picked up my sister and four-year old niece, and headed to church. Now this scene wouldn't generally seem strange, but I haven't personally been to church for more years than I care to state out loud, except the random wedding and well--TRUE CONFESSION: My children have NEVER been to church. Told you I was raising a bunch of heathens... cringe and judge me if you must... I am sure I deserve that.

Many moons ago, I ended a relationship with someone who was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and the Catholic church that I was a member of at the time made me feel, in no uncertain terms, that my leaving him was unacceptable... well I SPITEFULLY turned my back on my church, organized religion and God.

I spent years with a spiritual void growing ever greater inside of me. In my heart, even though I publicly denied it, I needed, wanted, craved a spiritual connection. At first my anger caused me to withdraw from what had always been a certainty in my life. Then I became openly reproachful, thinking I was smarter than or somehow above religion.

But I always felt an emptiness. This cavity grew, leaving me feeling hollow and hopeless. But I continued to feel a pull. And slowly but surely I have found my way back, in little bits and pieces. Peace is settling back into my heart, and I feel hope in a way that gives me new purpose.

So what does my 12-year old say when I asked her, “What did you think of the service?”

It’s tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath

I just want to check and see if it is OK if I openly hate all men this week? Sorry guys... I just need to embrace my anger and go with it. Nothing personal really. It's not ALL men, just the one's I have managed to come in contact with this week. Self-centered, arrogant, clueless, BS...

I have been going to AA meetings since January, and it has been a great source of peace and spirituality for me. It is amazing how you can share the most intimate details of your life with a room full of complete strangers just because you are all drunks. As someone put it so eloquently, "I wouldn't drink with most of you people, but I'll get sober with you."

So I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching and sometimes crying at these meetings over the last couple months. I have disclosed vague details of the demise of my male relationships that has occurred recently. And when I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and whining at every meeting, well I shifted into a rage. And that is how I am feeling now.... pissed. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs, pound on the walls, pissed.

And to top off the ‘I hate MEN’ week that I’m having... tonight this guy who I’ve seen in the past at meetings, asks me for my phone number right in the middle of the meeting... He starts to explain that he too has just gone through a rough relationship break up and for him the thing that helped most was to talk to people, so he thought maybe I wanted to talk sometime or get some coffee and discuss what I 'm going through... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? REALLY?? Do I look like I just fell off a dumb truck...??

But in lue of anger or pain, pounding and screaming, tears and hatred, and utter head-shaking disbelief, I am choosing to be grateful. Grateful for all the men in my life that are wonderful and truly keep me sane.

I am grateful for my father who is one of the kindest men I know. I am thankful for my oldest brother for believing that Life is but a Dream, my middle brother who I love to go camping with, and my baby brother who felt my pain as deeply as I did.

I am truly appreciative of my children’s father (even when he was on my hit list at times this week) for being a great dad, for my brother-in-law for looking out for me, and for my guy friends who love me for me and never expect more. And I am ever grateful for my grandpa Max, who I named my son after, for buying me my first BB gun, teaching me how to fish, telling me stories, and always making me smile. Miss you Grandpa...

I actually feel much better now. It’s a bit tricky being angry and grateful in the same breath. And it is impossible to hate ALL men. Honestly I don’t really hate anyone... sorry I even thought that out loud. I just don’t like hurting and weeping and fuming, so I am choosing to let that tornado of emotions go... I cried, I raged, I forgave. Now I’m moving on.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Two-week and One-day Stay at the Lunatic Lodge

For one week now, the three little people in my life have brawled and squawked, screamed and grumbled on and on about one another. The oldest baits the youngest, the middle child wails, someone pushes, another shoves. They scratch, taunt and glare as I beg them to get along... and the beat goes on. We are blessed with a two-week plus one extra day spring break here in Chandler. Oh joy...

Not a moment’s peace... one week was manageable, I filled the time with my limited budget, but two weeks and a day... are they insane? And the week they return, they have Monday off, go back for three days and are off again on Friday.

Even if I had a limitless budget, I couldn’t possibly keep them busy enough. My children honestly spend more time and effort combating each other than they do on any other pursuit. This morning it was the wrongful accusation of a stolen doll, tattle-tailing about un-brushed teeth, and, “It’s not fair, they won’t let me be the caboose! I want to play choo-choo too!”

Our afternoon frolic to the park, was rained out... and as I write I can hear pounding feet on the second floor and the high pitched squeal of my son... delight or rage? That is yet to be determined... I better go check.

After checking, it turns out that it was my younger daughter who was screaming. When I inquired what the problem was, she started sniveling that, “They were laughing at me.”

“Well, isn’t that better than them throwing things at you,” I say trying to make light of the situation, salvaging what had been a 1-hour long stint with negligible fighting.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Finding myself Single

A few days ago as I was writing a blog post and roaming the Internet until 3:00 in the morning, I noticed that my husband had changed his 'Relationship Status' on Facebook to Single.

He only did this a couple weeks ago, but I started wondering who else had seen this. And not that it mattered who has seen it, but it is kind of strange that I didn't notice it for days. But if it's out on Facebook, well then it is fair game Hon and I can write about it here on my blog... I promise to be nice :-)

I wasn’t going to write about it directly. I wanted to keep it private for now and just skirt around it. But anyone who knows me and has seen any of my recent articles, may have read between the lines and wondered what was going on anyway...

In October, we will have been married for 15 years. We have known each other for over 18 years... and we have three wonderful children. When you get a divorce (yes... that’s right we are getting a divorce) it is your children you worry about the most. You stay together and keep trying long after you should have thrown in the towel and stopped making each other miserable... because of the children.

At least I know that my husband and I will remain partners for life in raising and supporting our children even after our divorce. My oldest daughter already knows, and seems to be handling it ok. When we told her it was almost as if she already knew and was somewhat relieved. Kids aren‘t fooled by our idiotic attempts to pretend something is what it isn’t. We have both talked with her, making sure she can say or ask whatever she needs without ever blaming herself for our failure.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Setting a Goal for Health and Happiness

This morning I successfully completed my first triathlon!! In all truth, if you had asked me even just a year ago, I would have found the idea of finishing this sort of race laughable. But somewhere half way through the cycle portion of the competition, I found myself smiling ear to ear. I was in awe of my accomplishment and felt completely blessed to have the ability to push myself to ever greater limits.

I didn't used to think it was possible because, I am not really the completive type when it comes to sports... I have always caught balls with my face. Secondly, I love to exercise, but I haven't ever focused on a training program for myself that included a timeframe and specific performance goals. Honestly, for me it seemed to be too much pressure and chance of failure. And frankly, there was a time in the not so past, that I didn’t actually think I was cable of such a feat. I didn’t consider myself in the same caste as people who participated in fitness competitions or organized sports.

Turns out I was wrong about all of that (big surprise), but more importantly I came to an important realization... I think everyone should use a definable and measurable goal for health and fitness. Not just a goal of losing X number of pounds or that you want to look hot for your high school reunion, but an objective that keeps you focused while having FUN.

Several months ago I signed up for the triathlon with a friend/client. We picked a date, paid our entrance fees and began training. I worked some of her training into her sessions, while applying the same principles to my own workouts. We compared our present performance levels with past competitor scores to determine specific goal parameters for each segment of our race.

We worked out together, exchanged ideas and articles about increasing performance and even discussed our iPod playlist strategies. Having a friend to go through the process with me made me accountable... definitely less likely to cheat on my training. But most importantly I had a great time during the entire experience and we are already planning at least two more triathlons together this year!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Stupid Silly Girl

Have you ever put yourself into a situation that you knew most likely from the onset wasn't going to turn out well. Your sixth sense tried to warn you, but you pushed on without regard, because you had ulterior motives, or more often than not, in my case... lacked sound judgment.

Like that blind date I agreed to go on with a friend of a friend. I didn’t find him attractive, his car reeked of the early 80’s and three glasses of wine later he wasn’t any more charming. I guess I went out with him because I was bored and didn’t at the time have any better prospects... stupid, silly girl. As he drove me home at 185/mph (literally) with my nails dug into the arm rest, I just kept thinking please God don't let me die next to this moron.

And my little known secret of the time I decided to tie the knot in Las Vegas in the middle of the night... in a black dress.  That should have been a clear omen right there... Definitely not well thought out, but we are all allowed at least one major lapse, aren’t we?

Then there was that time I went to an audition at a small artsy-fartsy theatre company in the Haight-Ashbury district.  I nervously read cold from a script written by the company’s producer-director-playwright who was a too-full-of-himself ass, but I smiled and sucked up, hoping for a bit part.  His lovely assistant though was literally my doppelganger... which must have given me false comfort.

I was hopeful that being kept so long engaged in uninteresting chit-chat (2-1/2 hours) meant I had impressed him with my acting abilities.... again, I was a stupid, silly girl.

At the end of my audition, he asked if I would be willing to pose nude for him... really... unbelievable, the nerve of this guy!?! He wanted to sketch me side-by-side with his assistant. Fine, whatever... as long as I got paid. I was a starving college student, who thought herself above the trappings of conventional modesty or clothing.  Or at least I was trying to convince myself of that. Whatever the case, I really couldn’t afford principles that month so I agreed.

Monday, March 15, 2010

12 Short Months

I always carry a journal or notebook... to jot down nightly dreams, songs I want to put on my iPod, to-do lists, inspirations, goals, books I want to read, writing ideas... I just can't organized and hang on to all the thoughts in my brain, so a journal gets me off the hook.

BUT what happens when you lose your diary... hope the wrong person doesn't find it... definitely! Usually though, I know it is under or behind something, somewhere and I will eventually find it... or because I have more than one going at a time... I don't even realize it is missing... that's a bit scary...

I actually found a journal that I started about a year ago. It only had five entries in it and I don't remember not having it or looking for it. But when I reread it, I couldn't believe it had only been a year.  I know I started it in January 2009 because I actually dated all the entries... clever girl.

The things I was writing about seemed to have happened a lot longer than a year ago. Why, because I am just so far from that point now... in terms of what I am doing, my goals, and how I feel and act each day. I am absolutely amazed at what can happen, change, resolve, dissolve... in 12 short months!

In the past, I spent way too much time wondering when things might be different.... waiting for something to happen.  But over the past year, my life has transformed ... weird but wonderful.  AND I like the differences, even if they are a bit scary and uncertain at times... I am proud of myself.... go figure?

I am definitely in a better place and I couldn’t have imagined all that has taken place since those entries. I guess perhaps that is the POINT... like Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe...
The BIG THING rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn’t even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee.
So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they’re going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.
Won’t be long, The Universe
Was I chilling for the last year... Doubtful! Being patient....me? Yeah right!! But I have opened my mind and heart, dropped my guard, and focused my positive thoughts, allowing my life to be what it was meant to be... even if I couldn’t foresee it.

I am where I am supposed to be... And who knows where I could be a year from now?  The possibilities are wonderfully mind-boggling. So I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride... and buy a new journal.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Pursuing Happiness

I am sure that you have heard me say it before, but if we aren't honest about who we are... to ourselves and others... if we live a facade... we can NEVER attain lasting fulfillment and happiness.

Fear is the principal motivator for our masquerades. We pretend to be something that we are not or we fail to reveal what is really in our hearts because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of judgement, fear we will not be forgiven, fear of anger or hostility, fear we will not be accepted or loved for who we really are.

Letting fear dictate our lives becomes habitual, a vicious circle that will only lead to resentment if we are found out. And we can expect nothing less than discontent in all aspects of our lives, if we cannot be honest with ourselves. Our relationships will continue to we superficial and unsatisfying, our ambitions will leave us empty, our dreams will remain out of reach...

Is that what any of us wants from our life? Living a life that only allows us to be half of what we are... substituting things for feelings, seeking approval instead of substance, grasping for accomplishment, instead of living fully, wholly, here and now...

I know that I don’t want a fragment or fraction of life. I don‘t want an existence that denies a portion of myself!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Power of Gratitude

Sometimes we can find ourselves in a funk, where it is easy to look at the negative side of things, to focus on what we don’t have or what is wrong with our lives. This pattern of thinking, though, only holds us in this depressing spot and attracts more of what we are dwelling upon.

I find gratitude to be a powerful force to disperse with this mindset. Counting my blessings... Grateful thoughts help me focus on what is successful in my life, which in turn draws the positive energy of others me to and opens me to affirming experiences.

We each define our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs.  If we see our life as not working, miserable, unhappy, THIS IS THE TRUTH. But if we believe we are abundantly blessed, we are. Expressing gratitude for our blessings reminds us of how lucky we are, actualizing our blessings even further, multiplying them, expanding them to all areas of your life.

I wanted to share ten things I love and am abundantly grateful for...

... my ability to love and be loved
... having such a wonderful family
... having so many terrific friends
... my health and fitness
... the fact that I get to take long walks and runs outside
... having such a fulfilling job as a personal trainer that allows me to help others
... the recent spring rain storms
... my home
... my Blog and Blog readers
... being creative and being able to write

I am truly grateful for all of this and more. I am blessed beyond measure.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Honey Bug

buzz
    away
  busy bee
  hum low to me
  my honey bug shares his sweet serenade
    there is no place his song does not invade
  bustle about
    in and out
  buzz to
    me







(Artwork by Max: Honey Bug, 2008)


I wanted to balance my depressing poem from yesterday with something more uplifting to match my present mood. I love this drawing that my son created in preschool; I framed it and it sits on my mantel in our family room. He told me it was a Honey Bug...So cute.

I have long held a love and fascination for bees... Bees have been around for millions of years, they communicate with dance, build hives with hexagonal cells that can be coaxed into sculpture, and pollinate 30% of the world's food supply. I have a friend who was stung by nearly 2,000 bees and lived! I have only been stung once by a bee, but it is said that beekeepers seldom suffer from arthritis or rheumatism.

Only When I Breathe

I break, pieces fall,
Dark world swallow this torment,
  Smother my anguish,
I am to waste away and
  Miss you only when I breathe

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Absence of Chaos

This morning a friend of mine shared some of his life stresses with me.  He didn't need me to fix anything, just listen.  I did offer one thought to help him refocus away from the tension, so that he might peruse a solution.

I reminded him to take one moment at a time... Inner peace isn't the absence of chaos... it's just the ability to avoid getting sucked into it...

If I was able to choose the perfect life, it would be without conflict, and all my relationships would be loving, positive and uplifting. I’d enjoy fulfillment and bliss each day. With nary a worry or disappointment, my days would unfold without sorrow, loneliness, pain or loss.

Who wouldn’t be happy with such an ideal? But unfortunately things rarely work this way. Between the jerk who cuts you off during your morning commute, woefully inadequate finances, cheerless employment, ill health, a nagging spouse or morning a loss, the simple pressures of life can spin into doubt, frustration, worry, fear, anger, hopelessness, depression...

In truth, our own peace and happiness has little to do with what comes at us. Sure anyone can be happy when they only come into contact with that which is wonderful and perfect. But since most of us live in the real world, we are surrounded by the normal havoc.

It is our outlook that effects our level of harmony.  Once we accept our circumstances, some of which we can control and others that we can not, we must begin letting go of blame, hurt and anger.  Until we do, we can not focus on possible solutions or acceptance.

Wallowing in the turmoil too long, only impedes us from attaining true joy, lasting everyday happiness. Wallow a bit... fine.  Vent to a friend... great. This process can help us let go... so we can move forward to see the light, find the answers, discover contentment.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Post-Visualizaion

It is said that once a humble man asked a monk if it was possible to find one's way to God.  The enlightened monk replied that the simple act of thinking in such an elevated manner changed a person.  Change originates from our strongest desires and intentions.

(I have been trying to write this post since Saturday. I have a strong desire to finish it. But when I tell anyone I am having difficulty getting it done, well everyone has a suggestion. Today, my sister recommended that I write about Easter... What?  How does that help??? Easter, Easter, Easter... there I wrote about Easter! Happy? I am taking a deep breath now, trying to get back to where I was...)

A specific wish or longing can be represented by a symbol which holds strong personal or spiritual meaning for us.  Visualizing this symbol during meditation can help bring about what you most desire.  Holding an object in your hand that exemplifies our dream, while.......

(Rrrrrrrr..... The only thing I am holding in my hand is my cell phone that perpetually vibrates...)

(Excuse me if you will.... I have a friend who keeps texting me.  I told him that I was busy trying to write... having a hard time finding my voice... not loving what I've wrote so far.... but no he just keeps texting ....)

(I am just going to put my phone on silent and ignore him... he'll go away eventually.)

(Ok... picked up the phone to see what he wrote, because I can't concentrate... Deciding to ignore him wasn't the best idea.  He went into long-winded self-postulating conversation with his alter ego...that has completely filled my in-box.....??)

...I am quite the genius, aren’t I?
always bragging... conceited full of yourself is more like it...
What was that?
u heard me...!
You know what your problem is? I’ll tell you... You’re an idiot!
that’s original... you think that up all on your own?
No.... looked up idiot in the dictionary and it showed a picture of you...
it is hard to hear your muddling, considering that due to your rectal cranial immersion, your wallet is in the way!
Are you trying to say that my head is up my a..? I take offense to that!
take whatever you want to wherever you want it’s the truth...
You are a dead man...
am i supposed to fear that... shudder shudder... oooh...
You frustrate me to my wits end...
btw... what is “SHE” up to...
She has a name, dammit...
that’s a funny name for a girl....
You know you’ve now crossed the line... 
oh trying to be all noble are we ...?!
she just ignores u anyway... some “blog” or something-way more important than u....
I beg to differ... sir!
disinterested more like...
As much as I hate to admit it... You may have a point... She does seem to be preoccupied...
she is probably taking a nap... ur 2 much for her to deal with...
I'm not asleep... trying to write here...
oh look now she feels like responding...
I'm quite a handful, aren't I?
Haven't had time to read any of your texts yet ...Had to get my kiddos... Just letting you TWO go for it... :-)
What ingratitude...
damn convenient isn’t it?
I mean it’s not like we knew everything was ok... I mean she could have been injured...
yea, like laying on the side of some dark ally with a knife wound...
i'm outa here....

Fine, leave! I’m still here...four days later, after spending the last three hours trying to get past my block and this is what I have to show for it. I give up!

I just want to thank all my loving supporters today.  You've helped me immensely. I couldn’t do it without you, truly. Oh and one thing I almost forgot, GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG!

I feel confident that I have visualized the symbolism representing my intention very clearly. (SMILE)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Surrendering my Pain

Surrender. That was the message I found today, when facing an emotionally painful and uncertain situation in my life. When I saw the word, surrender, my mind immediately latched on to it, because I have heard it used several times this week by myself and others around me. Though I am hard-headed at times, I am trying not to ignore the signs or the big white flag...

What does surrender mean? To give up? Give into emotions, whims or wants? Resignation? It can be defined as giving up or admitting defeat, but surrender is also the act of handing over control to another.

For me this is a difficult and unnatural process... not being in total control?!? I labor and stress to manage the many details of my life, thinking this will bring me what I want, make me happy. To be completely honest, this approach is not really working out for me at all.

Surrender begins when I honestly and fearlessly open my heart, my mind, and admit that I do not know what to do. I have to acknowledge (and constantly remind myself) that I do not understand what everything means or how to respond.

As we recognize our powerlessness, we can hand over control to our inner voice, a higher power, the universe, God. As hard as it is for me, I must allow God to decide for me.

Surrender frees us to perceive, to experience, to simply do what feels right. Living in the moment, we can open ourselves to all possibilities, our full potential. Letting go of negative emotions... worry, regret, fear, pain... replacing them with faith, hope, trust.

I am willing to accept whatever decision is made for me; I don't have to like it to accept it. No matter what it is, I will know and trust that it is right for me. I willingly surrender my pain and uncertainty, open my heart and mind, relinquish control, welcome peace into my life.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Braving the Great Outdoors

Growing up with brothers, taught me to never back down. Being told that I couldn’t do something, well that was just an invitation for me to prove somebody wrong. Even if I didn’t want to do what I was told that I couldn‘t do, well, I'd do it anyway or go down in flames trying to prove that I COULD. Make sense?

I’ll admit it wasn't always pretty to watch... like eating a huge pile of wasabi in one gulp... owww... that was just stupid. Or tightrope walking 12 feet of wobbly wire fence. That one knocked the wind out of me. But I can run faster, hold my breath longer and scream louder than any of my brothers... those are true survival skills.

I had difficulty resisting a challenge, so when my brother Rod declared that I wouldn’t last a night out in the woods by myself, I just couldn’t manage to keep my mouth shut and let it slide. Immediately protesting that I most certainly could, I was egged on with the hackneyed expression, “Prove it then!”

At the age of 15 I deplored camping. My years of prior experience had cured me of any lingering urges. Teenage girls can’t sleep in dirt, on dirt, eat dirt, wear dirt. And where would I plug in my curling iron?

The last thing I wanted to do was spend the night in the great outdoors, but now I HAD TO, because someone told me I couldn’t... curses!

Unfortunately, there was no way I was actually going to sleep out in the middle of nowhere by myself, so I recruited my best friend Sherry and eight year old brother Ray to help defend my honor. I didn‘t consider that cheating; I simply needed witnesses.

After gathering, piling, stuffing and compacting more than we would need for a week's stay, my father with unspoken misgivings, drove the three of us to Freeman Reservoir campground among the scenic mountains in northwestern Colorado. I suppose my dad had selected this site for its proximity, conveniences and lack of fervor. Little or no possibility of trouble, or so he hoped.

Excited by our forthcoming independence and restless for adventure, my disdain for camping was temporarily forgotten. Gently declining all offers of help from my father, we eagerly said our goodbyes and began setting up camp in the midst of towering pine and aspen trees.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Insomnia Delirium

Sleep deprivation is starting to wreak havoc on me this week. My insomnia stems from having a lot on my mind... contemplation, reflection, speculation, concern.  Issues of the mind and heart...things that can not simply be forgotten or resolved. Things to work out, work through. Life stuff.

I've only slept around eight hours in the last five days.  I'm not whining, but I am starting to feel my personality amplify and distort... which, I assure you, is the last thing I need.

I'm overly emotional, hyper-sensitive, edgy, wired and having difficulty focusing. I also have this habit of talking too much. By the time I realize I’m doing it, I can’t remember the point at which I started or was trying to make. Just like now...

Looking for ways to overcome my present bout with insomnia, I read online (because I'm not quite feeling paranoid enough this morning) not getting enough sleep can lead to depression, weight gain, low self-esteem and brain SHRINKAGE.

The silver lining... I also found a list of 78 things to do when you can't fall asleep (that's such a random number.) After a certain point frustration sets in and you might as well get up and do something productive. Some are definitely worth trying, but a lot of them just cracked me up. I needed to laugh today...

Clean out your medicine cabinet
Read the Yellow Pages to learn about your community
Pluck your eyebrows
Memorize 5 new words from the dictionary
Free write everything that pops into your head
Clean the bathroom
Pray
Update your resume
Clip your nose hairs
Face your demons
Look at the stars
Sweep your deck or balcony
Pretend you're asleep
Draw your living room
Paint a self portrait
Make soup
Lie on the grass
Lie in the snow
Lie in the rain
Don't lie to yourself

When I have suffered through sleepless periods in the past, I’ve gone shopping in the middle of the night at stores open 24-hours, watched my children sleep (and taken pictures), chatted online with insomniac friends and created lengthy lists of things I need to do or that are bothering me.  Or I do as the Savage Chickens, ”Sometimes I lie awake all night worrying about insomnia.”

As I hash out the concerns in my life and future, finding resolution and acceptance, my thoughts will eventually quiet. Until that point though, I am following a slap-happy trail into delirium, where I’ll be making chicken soup in my medicine cabinet with brain shriveling demons. No rest for the weary...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Chinks in my Armor

It is said like attracts like; we are drawn to others who possess similar energy, optimism and motivation. This certainly seems to be the case in the majority of relationships I've had. When I was looking at things as half empty, that is what I got in return. When pessimism prevailed in my psyche, doom and gloom became my partner. The chinks in our armor can unwittingly attract what we want least, but invariably our mind-set determines the outcome.

When I was in college, I befriended a young man who on the outset appeared charismatic and witty, distracting me from the mundane chore of waiting tables, deftly matching my sarcasm tit for tat.

Though he was a couple years younger than I, we were like Tom and Jerry, making laughter our means of getting through each 5:00 AM shift. Our pranks were not selfishly confined to ourselves; we gladly taunted our fellow coworkers who were often peeved with our diversions.

Outside of work, we spent time together as well... seeing movies, canvassing the mall, sharing our wish lists for the future. He introduced me to his friends, I introduced him to mine.

Lane’s dark eyes and disheveled hair gave him an intellectual yet brooding air that made women, young and old stare. Shrinking down his six-foot frame into his faded green army jacket, he would pretend not to notice. If I teased about the obvious attention he drew, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Our friendship held no romantic aspirations or hang ups, at least not for me. But I mistakenly assumed he shared my sentiment and my lack of clarity would have painful, almost fatal, ramifications in the months ahead.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Making Amends

Part of growing up is realizing that you aren’t the center of the universe. Self-interest starts to take a back seat to self-growth. You begin to see outside yourself, outside of your small little world, wanting to share your gifts instead of just honing them. And hopefully you realize how your actions effect others.

It’s quite possible that I am just now starting to grow up, NOT old. In the last couple of years, I have begun to really deal with the things that held me back, and that which I couldn’t let go of. Too much baggage leaves us with one foot in the past. Living in the past only keeps up from living in the present, living life to the fullest. Living for the present allows us to enjoy the journey with less concern for the destination.

My baggage included a massive trunk of regret locked by guilt. As a means of letting much of this go, I have tried to look at the past honestly and accurately, sometimes admitting fault and vowing to learn from those experiences.

More often than not, I have realized that my disappointments don’t need to be assigned blame. They are just a part of life and once re-compartmentalized in my askew brain, they are merely memories I need not lament. And at this point, I wouldn't opt to go back and change anything if I could. My experiences, good or bad, have made me who I am today.

There are though, a few instances that I feel compelled to make amends for my actions. One of which included my younger brother Ray. This regret weighed on me so heavily, that for years I replayed the circumstances in my head over and over, my own form of self torture.

Growing up, my father was fairly strict. And when we were young enough, spanking was the chosen form of discipline used in our home. Now I don’t want to get into a debate about whether parents should spank or not. I happen to believe not, but when I was a kid it was acceptable and I will defend my dad staunchly by saying that he is a great man and he always did what he believed was best.

With that said, I will admit that I had a good healthy fear of spankings, as did my siblings. So much so, that avoidance at all cost reined supreme and consequently we were generally pretty well behaved, at least within earshot of our father.

One absolute commandment in our house (and I hold this one up in my own) was that we were not to touch my father’s tools without permission. Plain and simple and for good reasons that I didn’t grasp until later in life.

But you know how kids are.... they constantly mess with things they shouldn’t and I was no exception. Curiosity, boredom or just believing I might get away with it this once, lead me astray.