Ending with Hope

At the beginning of this year, e-skyoo [askew] was born... with no precise direction or goal. Mainly as a product of my own self-growth over the past three years, I made a decision to reach out to others who may share some of the same experiences and impairments.

I have used this blog to tell my stories, offer encouragement, provide advice and purge my soul at times. So much has occurred in my life over these last few months, and I have divulged much here. I have truly enjoyed connecting to my readers... realizing we have more in common than I ever expected. That discovery has been of great benefit to me in ways that you can not comprehend and I thank you one and all.

I have posted very little in the last couple weeks for several reasons. First I have been busy beyond my capabilities, so instead of just throwing something out there, I held tight to the belief that I would eventually have more time to write. I feel I owe the few loyal readers I have my best work.

Secondly, I have been going through a period of emotional turmoil and stress. I didn’t want to spew the depression I find myself in onto these pages. I would rather offer support and solutions.

Pain also has a way of zapping my creativity, but I know that it will not last forever. I feel selfish for thinking my problems are so big, that my suffering is insurmountable. In truth, when I am honest with myself and get out of my own crazy head, I know that I have tons to be grateful for. My petty crap is nothing in comparison to the hardship and adversity others are presently facing.

Here and Now

It is said that if we practice being present in the moment, we can have clarity, focus and peace. But I will be the first to admit that I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen or how things will work out. I also tend to relive events of the past in my twisted mind which were painful or I wish I had done differently.

Finances, health concerns, relationships, regrets... so much of which is out of our control... the future is not written and the past can not be undone. When I focus undue energy on the past or future, usually because of fear or anxiety, I only manage to torture myself with the awful possibilities... creating imagined realities that may never come to pass.

Concentrating on the past, wishing it were different, serves no purpose. I can not divorce myself from the past, but instead of regret, I need to learn from my mistakes or choices and then let go of the negative emotions I associate with these memories.

Now this is certainly easier said than done... I am a perfect example. But I know it is possible... at least I know that I can be present if I remind myself to do so. And sometimes I have to remind myself over and over. Is it possible to always be present? I doubt it, but when lack of presence causes anger, fear, anxiety, worry and inaction, well I know I need to try something different.

There are times when my mind wanders, and I just can’t seem to help it. But there is no failure in this... I just need to call myself back, and back again, and back again if necessary. As often as it is necessary. When I am going through a trying time in my life, it seems I have to remind myself almost every other second.

But I have found that the more I practice living in the moment, it becomes easier. And unbelievably (for my brain loves to dwell on the crap) there are times it comes naturally, unforced.

Lifted by Friendship

It feels like forever since I have had the time to sit down and write... out-of-control busy... lots of stuff going on in my life, good and bad. Not so much bad as sad and difficult and uncertain and scary. I am sure this sounds familiar to everyone. I am not unique, but it is easy to start feeling like my world is crumbling and that it will never get better. You know, wallowing in my own self-pity. I am a master at this...

Thank God I have so many good friends... I had a couple things take place this afternoon that caused me a lot of anguish, but I got right on the phone, calling, texting, spewing, crying, ranting... and believe it or not I feel so much better than I did. A weight has been lifted...

Now for me this hasn't always been easy... to reach out and ask for help or just unload the things that are going on in my life. I would go through stuff and just hold it in and before long I was downright miserable. The fear, pain and hopelessness growing the longer I kept it bottled up.

Within a two-hour span this afternoon, I cut ties with a close friend (sad but necessary) then I followed it up with a screaming match with my soon-to-be-ex-husband (who I am sure unwittingly caught the jagged edges of my mood.)

Oh the joy, joy joy. I wanted to blubber, curse, crumble and rage all at once, and I did a little of all, but I also reached out to people in my life that really care about me and my well-being. Some offered advice, others adages, while a couple just listened.

A Life with Purpose

Today I experienced one of those weeeeeoooooooo right-time-right-place moments... Some may call it fortuitous, happy accident, serendipitous, dumb luck, random chance, good fortune, coincidence. But I don’t believe in luck or coincidence. I believe that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment.

Each moment of our lives is important, to be treasured... we will never get it back. The weeeeeoooooooo moment I refer to from today made my heart race and stirred something inside of me deeply. I know without a doubt that God lead me there so that I could help someone in great need.

By great I don’t mean that I pulled anyone from a burning building or such... just every day life stuff. But stuff I know about personally that can profoundly influence our happiness if we don’t eventually deal with it.

Now the details are not necessary, I am not a hero... I just had the tools that someone else desperately needed. I had an answer to their burning question. Through my experience I could offer hope. I cannot know the future, but I was able to help them see what they could do today... where they could go from here... how to perhaps begin anew.

And that was no accident. I felt God’s presence with me in a way that I haven’t felt in many many years. Although He has always been with me, I went through a period in my life when I chose not to see, not to feel, not to believe. Today, in a brief moment, I felt the power of my faith ... flowing from me to another.

Now will this person’s life be changed forever? I am not that powerful or full of myself. I only gave them a thought, a direction, a possibility. The rest will be up to them. But being able to help someone else and give them hope, that was the real miracle for ME... Not what may or may not happen in the future... for this I can not control.

Striving to help others, abandoning my pursuit of things, letting go of my selfish behaviors... Service. Could service be the purpose of my life, my course to follow? This was certainly the path shown to me today.

No matter where you are, no matter when... you are where you are supposed to be. Every thought and action we have has the power to effect someone else. What will you choose to do with that power?

"Your time on this earth is a gift to be used wisely. Don't squander your words or your thoughts. Consider that even the simplest actions you take for your lives matter beyond measure...and they matter forever." Andy Andrews, The Noticer

A Hoppy Ending

As an individual full of faults, flaws and shortcomings, in the past I have often done the same (not so smart) thing over and over, getting the same results without realizing the pattern. And even when I identify and accept a behavior defect about myself that is none too flattering, I find I am still prone to repeating it. When I sidestep a fear or weakness, it tends to sidle back in and bite me.

I was recently smacked in the face with one such unpleasant penchant of mine. I don’t like to admit out loud to anyone that I suffer from this affliction... but since my marriage is dissolving, I must begrudgingly concede that it is high time I address this tendency.

I am a Hopper. I am sure you are wondering what the heck is a hopper? It doesn’t identify someone who is good at hopscotch or a hop-picking machine or a green leaf-eating insect. It is a little pet name adopted by myself and a fellow hopper.

It means I hop from one relationship with a man to another. As soon as I am done with one, I move almost immediately on to the next... no downtime, sometimes they even overlap. During my entire adult life, I have never been alone... except for one brief period of a few months when I was miserably lonely and constantly on the look out for someone to fill my void.

Until recently I had classified my being a hopper as nothing more than a genetic idiosyncrasy, but not necessarily detrimental. I now realize my habitual behavior borders on unhealthy and destructive. OK... it more than borders, IT IS unhealthy and destructive.

Even when I thought I had got lucky and hopped into a healthy relationship, eventually I was faced with the truth of yet another unhappy end. Not because the men I chose were always terrible human beings, but because they weren’t necessarily right for me and I never took the time to determine this between hops.

Moreover, if I happened to be in a bad spot in my life when I hopped (which is generally the case for me... no relationship = despair) well it doesn’t matter who I hopped to saint or psycho. If God had put the perfect man in front of me, I would have screwed it up, because I was screwed up.

Wandering from Home - Part 2

Sometimes we begin a journey expecting an outcome so different than what we actually experience. Part of this gap can be accounted for through a lack of preparation (guilty) or chalked up to the fact that it is a totally novel adventure (guilty again). But sometimes we gain something far greater than any of our expectations and we are changed forever.

Day 2 - Saturday, April 10, 2010

As suggested by my brother, Wendy and I should have gotten up and left for the canyon by 4:00 AM; it was a two hour drive to the trailhead from Kingman. Well it just so happens that my brother wasn't with us and wasn't going on the hike with us, so we didn't heed his advice... na na na na naaaaa

We awoke after 6:00, didn't get on the road till nearly 7:00 and finally made it to the Hualapai Hilltop parking lot around 9:00. Another wonderful day of setting our very own schedule... no deadlines, no urgencies, no have-to-be-somewhere-right-now, and NO ONE complaining because we were late. This alone brought a freedom and peace that was unknown to both of us. Perhaps we should have just turned around and headed back home at that point... I mean why mess with something so perfect?

Upon stepping from the car, I got my first glance at the awe inspiring magnificence of the Grand Canyon. It was sooooo big, sooooo deep.... sooooo woooooweeee wow wow!

Then I noticed the switchback, stair-stepped trail creeping down the canyon wall... Holy Crap-oly! It seemed to never end... and look at those people way down there where the trail finally starts to flatten out and head off into the distance, they look sooooo small and far away! And they were!!! We looked at one another and wondered what the H-E-Double Toothpicks had we got ourselves into?!?!

Tuesday that feels like Monday

Even though today was Tuesday, on many levels it felt like Monday. Maybe because it was my first day back to work this week or because I was ooooh soooo tired which I am sure heightened my sensitivity to everything around me. I found myself feeling critical of others, but I also felt justified at times... which I am sure is not a good combination and will lead nowhere good...

In general, I really do try to be kind to other people, to not throw out my judgments or participate in idle or cruel gossip. I know that I wasn't always like that... When I was younger, and full of my own extreme insecurities, I could be quick to cut someone else down behind their back. I do try not to be so catty now... but have you ever come into contact with someone who just rubs you the wrong way and you can't help harboring ill thoughts about them?

At the gym where I work, there are a lot of affluent members. Most don't flaunt it but once in a while you witness someone looking down their nose. They can't quite treat you as they would a friend of equal status, because you work at the gym versus being a member. They hold themselves just above you, conveying their superiority whenever your paths do cross.

I find that with these type of people, I either kill them with kindness... making them feel like crap for being so smug. Or I go out of my way to hold myself above them by not making eye contact, ignoring their presence, or the-real-kicker by being in better shape than they are... he he he.

In the end though, I know they act the way they do because they are insecure and afraid. They puff themselves up to accentuate what they have that I don’t, only to conceal what they don’t have, which is confidence and a love for themselves.

Wandering from Home - Part 1

I was thrilled when my sister-in-law Wendy invited me on a trip to the Grand Canyon. Sure, sure, sure... I will hike it with you... No problem!! But what started out as a girl's weekend away, turned out incredibly different. We embarked upon a bona fide adventure, that challenged us more than expected with quite a few lessons learned. Some of these lessons came the hard way, but I wouldn't trade any of them. The obstacles we overcame, revealed a part of ourselves we had not known before.

Day 1 - Friday, April 9, 2010

With my kiddos off to school, I packed up my gear and headed off. I was supposed to leave home around 11:00 AM, but being the girl I am, I didn't manage to set off until 1:30. But I had no real deadline, so it felt good for once to not have to worry about being anywhere at any set time or screaming and cursing at someone because I was late yet again.

My first destination was Kingman, Arizona, where my brother and sister-in-law live with their three children. Now ironically, my brother was traveling to my house with his kiddos AS I traveled to his home. So all six wild-and-out-of-control cousins and three hyper dogs would be at my house with the two husbands for the weekend, and I would be with my sister-in-law, just the two of us, existing in perfect harmony and peace. Sometimes the planets just align...

Needless to say, I was floating on a cloud as I headed out of Phoenix through Wickenburg, so much so that I began to nod off as I was driving. I knew that I was extremely sleep deprived... I hadn’t managed to get more than fours hours of sleep in a given night over the last three weeks. Now I could have pulled over and rested, but I would have had to sleep for at least eight hours on the side of the road in order to not be in a state of dozing off... so I pushed on.

I sent out a few texts hoping for some company on the road. I heard back from my sister Jen, who reminded me to be careful texting while driving... Which I know to be dangerous, and irresponsible, and bad, and wrong, but I do it anyway sometimes... sorry, but at least I am honest... and I don’t do it with my kids in the car... scout’s honor. That way I could turn up my music really loud, put the AC on high, set the cruise control and still carry on a conversation. I believed all of these components were necessary to stay awake.

Lesson of the Week

What I learned this week... Well even though I keep hearing it, I keep experiencing it, I keep hurting because of it (for years now).... I was unable to believe it. Once I begrudgingly resigned myself to accept it though... my pain, fear and emotional turmoil was lightened (No no no... not entirely removed, that would be asking too much, but close enough and I am grateful for that.)

Here IT is.... There is NO human being that I know or will ever know that can fulfill me, make me happy or meet my needs. The more I think and believe that another person can do these things for me, the more I am discontented with myself and my relationships. When I accept that the only way for me to have peace, happiness, fulfillment is to give my life over to God and let him lead. He is the ONLY certainty that I can ever completely count on. He will always love me unconditionally, even with my countless and ever emerging flaws.

Off and on all week, I was thrown a curve here or there by people in my life. My reactions ranged from anger and sadness to anxiety and disappointment. But I was actually able to curtail those emotions from developing into full blown tantrums, cuss outs or target practice.

I recognized my feelings, acknowledged that they were valid (at least somewhat), and allowed myself to feel them. Then I remembered that I didn’t need to go over the edge, because I have a power much greater than myself that will give me peace and solutions. I have a power that will put all right with the world. Just by knowing and remembering that things would work out, that I would be loved no matter the outcome, I was able to let go of my emotional baggage. I do not have to feel let down, lonely or worried when I put my faith in God.

Now putting too much faith in a human being, well that is an entirely different story... a trap we all fall into from time to time. Certainly we should and do believe in each other, but if we base our self-worth and happiness on another person, then we are likely to be miserable, if not immediately, it will eventually happen. Lets face it... nobody is even close to perfect and nobody wants exactly what we want. So even when I felt wronged, I was able to know that it would work out, that I need not feel destroyed, despondent or hopeless. Instead I felt assured and peaceful; I smiled from the inside out.

Oh and let me not forget to share lesson #2... when you drive away too fast in a blue minivan, turns out you don’t look all I-gotta-need-for-speed. Whoever happens to be watching your display of raw V6 power, just thinks you are mad... Go figure? I have to laugh at myself for that one... I’m such a dork!

Walking on the Edge

I scan the surface of the grey-blue face, seeking the longest most challenging path to the top. My first grip doesn’t hold as I attempt to heft myself up with one foot jammed into a crevasse. Running my fingers along the ridges of the rock, I hope to find a lip that will provide more leverage for my next attempt.

Pulling and pushing at once, I lift off the ground, pressing my cheek against the smooth, cool stone. Ever scanning for my next hand hold, I know I cannot remain in one position too long. Already I feel my left toe slipping, loosing its grasp. My mind focuses, exploring the possibilities, thrill surging my pulse.

Moving on without hesitation, maintaining three points of contact, I quickly scale the 15 feet to the first landing. Balancing on one foot and then the other, I feel my breath catch with excitement as I teeter on the edge and then move on to the next and highest ledge.

Looking out over the pool that awaits, fear seeps in. Excitement, rushes through my veins, reflexively turning up the corners of my mouth. To calm myself, I chatter on to onlookers, to myself. What do I fear most? The distance, the impact? No... the cold, definitely the cold.

In mid-sentence, I step off the edge, surprising the witnesses... myself. I hear a scream of joy, of fear, of ecstasy, echoing off the cliff, my scream. As I plummet into the icy water, my knees pull up into a ball, my arms pull down to slow my descent. Enveloped by the clear emerald waters, the suns rays pierce the surface, illuminating the four feet of water above my head. It is like gazing up through a massive green marble.

A succession of resolute and furious kicks send me bursting through the river’s surface. My lungs gasp, not so much for air but in reaction to the crushing cold. Half way to the bank my chest seizes to the chill, I can not breath. My too-often-taken-for-granted arms and legs do not fail, but carry me to the bank. With unexpected effort, I crawl from the water. Falling upon the beach in exhaustion, I wrap myself in the warmth of the sand, struggling for breath, laughing for joy, beaming from ear to ear, gratefully knowing I am alive.

Crippled by Indecision

Recently someone tried to impart me with the knowledge that the most precarious place we can exist is in a state of indecision. For in this position we are not only miserable, but we are not growing or moving forward in our lives.

If we are faced with what seems like a life altering decision, having to chose A over B can be overwhelming, almost crippling. It can seem utterly impossible to decide which is the best choice? Which will result in the least negative consequences? Which will hurt more or less, to ourselves and others? In the long run which is the right and best thing to do?

Sometimes the actual state of indecision seems less painful or fraught than either of the possible choices. So we remain in this unresolved place, hoping for a solution through fate or revelation.

When I was younger, I was faced with a choice that I felt could alter my future irreparably. Though I had always planned to attend college after high school and structured my studies accordingly, I came to a point when I was unsure if that was actually what I should do.

I became involved in a relationship with a boy that was not very healthy. He was controlling and abusive, but at that time in my life, I was deeply in love. He stated in no uncertain terms that if I chose to go off to college, he couldn’t promise he would be there when I got back. His motives were not that of honesty, but of control.

But I was left with a difficult decision: Go to college and possibly lose him or stay in my hometown with him. Obviously this may seem like a no-brainer, but he was the strongest influence in my life at that time, and even though I knew my father wanted me to go to college, he didn’t attempt to influence me with much force. And even if he had, I don’t know if I would I have given it any heed?

12 Short Months

I always carry a journal or notebook... to jot down nightly dreams, songs I want to put on my iPod, to-do lists, inspirations, goals, books I want to read, writing ideas... I just can't organized and hang on to all the thoughts in my brain, so a journal gets me off the hook.

BUT what happens when you lose your diary... hope the wrong person doesn't find it... definitely! Usually though, I know it is under or behind something, somewhere and I will eventually find it... or because I have more than one going at a time... I don't even realize it is missing... that's a bit scary...

I actually found a journal that I started about a year ago. It only had five entries in it and I don't remember not having it or looking for it. But when I reread it, I couldn't believe it had only been a year.  I know I started it in January 2009 because I actually dated all the entries... clever girl.

The things I was writing about seemed to have happened a lot longer than a year ago. Why, because I am just so far from that point now... in terms of what I am doing, my goals, and how I feel and act each day. I am absolutely amazed at what can happen, change, resolve, dissolve... in 12 short months!

In the past, I spent way too much time wondering when things might be different.... waiting for something to happen.  But over the past year, my life has transformed ... weird but wonderful.  AND I like the differences, even if they are a bit scary and uncertain at times... I am proud of myself.... go figure?

I am definitely in a better place and I couldn’t have imagined all that has taken place since those entries. I guess perhaps that is the POINT... like Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe...

The BIG THING rarely happens when you ask for it, nor does it typically come from who or where you expect. It usually comes a bit later, from someone you didn’t even know when you first asked, as a result of some weird turn of events that were impossible to foresee.

So, chill. Be patient. Enjoy the moment. And let your friends, employers, and partners off the hook. Besides, they’re going to have enough to deal with when the BIG THING does arrive, if you know what I mean.

Won’t be long, The Universe

Was I chilling for the last year... Doubtful! Being patient....me? Yeah right!! But I have opened my mind and heart, dropped my guard, and focused my positive thoughts, allowing my life to be what it was meant to be... even if I couldn’t foresee it.

I am where I am supposed to be... And who knows where I could be a year from now?  The possibilities are wonderfully mind-boggling. So I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride... and buy a new journal.

Pursuing Happiness

I am sure that you have heard me say it before, but if we aren't honest about who we are... to ourselves and others... if we live a facade... we can NEVER attain lasting fulfillment and happiness.

Fear is the principal motivator for our masquerades. We pretend to be something that we are not or we fail to reveal what is really in our hearts because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of judgement, fear we will not be forgiven, fear of anger or hostility, fear we will not be accepted or loved for who we really are.

Letting fear dictate our lives becomes habitual, a vicious circle that will only lead to resentment if we are found out. And we can expect nothing less than discontent in all aspects of our lives, if we cannot be honest with ourselves. Our relationships will continue to we superficial and unsatisfying, our ambitions will leave us empty, our dreams will remain out of reach...

Is that what any of us wants from our life? Living a life that only allows us to be half of what we are... substituting things for feelings, seeking approval instead of substance, grasping for accomplishment, instead of living fully, wholly, here and now...

I know that I don’t want a fragment or fraction of life. I don‘t want an existence that denies a portion of myself!

Surrendering my Pain

Surrender. That was the message I found today, when facing an emotionally painful and uncertain situation in my life. When I saw the word, surrender, my mind immediately latched on to it, because I have heard it used several times this week by myself and others around me. Though I am hard-headed at times, I am trying not to ignore the signs or the big white flag...

What does surrender mean? To give up? Give into emotions, whims or wants? Resignation? It can be defined as giving up or admitting defeat, but surrender is also the act of handing over control to another.

For me this is a difficult and unnatural process... not being in total control?!? I labor and stress to manage the many details of my life, thinking this will bring me what I want, make me happy. To be completely honest, this approach is not really working out for me at all.

Surrender begins when I honestly and fearlessly open my heart, my mind, and admit that I do not know what to do. I have to acknowledge (and constantly remind myself) that I do not understand what everything means or how to respond.

As we recognize our powerlessness, we can hand over control to our inner voice, a higher power, the universe, God. As hard as it is for me, I must allow God to decide for me.

Surrender frees us to perceive, to experience, to simply do what feels right. Living in the moment, we can open ourselves to all possibilities, our full potential. Letting go of negative emotions... worry, regret, fear, pain... replacing them with faith, hope, trust.

I am willing to accept whatever decision is made for me; I don't have to like it to accept it. No matter what it is, I will know and trust that it is right for me. I willingly surrender my pain and uncertainty, open my heart and mind, relinquish control, welcome peace into my life.

Braving the Great Outdoors

Growing up with brothers, taught me to never back down. Being told that I couldn’t do something, well that was just an invitation for me to prove somebody wrong. Even if I didn’t want to do what I was told that I couldn‘t do, well, I'd do it anyway or go down in flames trying to prove that I COULD. Make sense?

I’ll admit it wasn't always pretty to watch... like eating a huge pile of wasabi in one gulp... owww... that was just stupid. Or tightrope walking 12 feet of wobbly wire fence. That one knocked the wind out of me. But I can run faster, hold my breath longer and scream louder than any of my brothers... those are true survival skills.

I had difficulty resisting a challenge, so when my brother Rod declared that I wouldn’t last a night out in the woods by myself, I just couldn’t manage to keep my mouth shut and let it slide. Immediately protesting that I most certainly could, I was egged on with the hackneyed expression, “Prove it then!”

At the age of 15 I deplored camping. My years of prior experience had cured me of any lingering urges. Teenage girls can’t sleep in dirt, on dirt, eat dirt, wear dirt. And where would I plug in my curling iron?

The last thing I wanted to do was spend the night in the great outdoors, but now I HAD TO, because someone told me I couldn’t... curses!

Unfortunately, there was no way I was actually going to sleep out in the middle of nowhere by myself, so I recruited my best friend Sherry and eight year old brother Ray to help defend my honor. I didn‘t consider that cheating; I simply needed witnesses.

After gathering, piling, stuffing and compacting more than we would need for a week's stay, my father with unspoken misgivings, drove the three of us to Freeman Reservoir campground among the scenic mountains in northwestern Colorado. I suppose my dad had selected this site for its proximity, conveniences and lack of fervor. Little or no possibility of trouble, or so he hoped.

Excited by our forthcoming independence and restless for adventure, my disdain for camping was temporarily forgotten. Gently declining all offers of help from my father, we eagerly said our goodbyes and began setting up camp in the midst of towering pine and aspen trees.

Chinks in my Armor

It is said like attracts like; we are drawn to others who possess similar energy, optimism and motivation. This certainly seems to be the case in the majority of relationships I've had. When I was looking at things as half empty, that is what I got in return. When pessimism prevailed in my psyche, doom and gloom became my partner. The chinks in our armor can unwittingly attract what we want least, but invariably our mind-set determines the outcome.

When I was in college, I befriended a young man who on the outset appeared charismatic and witty, distracting me from the mundane chore of waiting tables, deftly matching my sarcasm tit for tat.

Though he was a couple years younger than I, we were like Tom and Jerry, making laughter our means of getting through each 5:00 AM shift. Our pranks were not selfishly confined to ourselves; we gladly taunted our fellow coworkers who were often peeved with our diversions.

Outside of work, we spent time together as well... seeing movies, canvassing the mall, sharing our wish lists for the future. He introduced me to his friends, I introduced him to mine.

Lane’s dark eyes and disheveled hair gave him an intellectual yet brooding air that made women, young and old stare. Shrinking down his six-foot frame into his faded green army jacket, he would pretend not to notice. If I teased about the obvious attention he drew, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Our friendship held no romantic aspirations or hang ups, at least not for me. But I mistakenly assumed he shared my sentiment and my lack of clarity would have painful, almost fatal, ramifications in the months ahead.

Making Amends

Part of growing up is realizing that you aren’t the center of the universe. Self-interest starts to take a back seat to self-growth. You begin to see outside yourself, outside of your small little world, wanting to share your gifts instead of just honing them. And hopefully you realize how your actions effect others.

It’s quite possible that I am just now starting to grow up, NOT old. In the last couple of years, I have begun to really deal with the things that held me back, and that which I couldn’t let go of. Too much baggage leaves us with one foot in the past. Living in the past only keeps up from living in the present, living life to the fullest. Living for the present allows us to enjoy the journey with less concern for the destination.

My baggage included a massive trunk of regret locked by guilt. As a means of letting much of this go, I have tried to look at the past honestly and accurately, sometimes admitting fault and vowing to learn from those experiences.

More often than not, I have realized that my disappointments don’t need to be assigned blame. They are just a part of life and once re-compartmentalized in my askew brain, they are merely memories I need not lament. And at this point, I wouldn't opt to go back and change anything if I could. My experiences, good or bad, have made me who I am today.

There are though, a few instances that I feel compelled to make amends for my actions. One of which included my younger brother Ray. This regret weighed on me so heavily, that for years I replayed the circumstances in my head over and over, my own form of self torture.

Growing up, my father was fairly strict. And when we were young enough, spanking was the chosen form of discipline used in our home. Now I don’t want to get into a debate about whether parents should spank or not. I happen to believe not, but when I was a kid it was acceptable and I will defend my dad staunchly by saying that he is a great man and he always did what he believed was best.

With that said, I will admit that I had a good healthy fear of spankings, as did my siblings. So much so, that avoidance at all cost reined supreme and consequently we were generally pretty well behaved, at least within earshot of our father.

One absolute commandment in our house (and I hold this one up in my own) was that we were not to touch my father’s tools without permission. Plain and simple and for good reasons that I didn’t grasp until later in life.

But you know how kids are.... they constantly mess with things they shouldn’t and I was no exception. Curiosity, boredom or just believing I might get away with it this once, lead me astray.

Honest Fear

In the past month, I have been bombarded by a message.  You know the type of message that keeps coming to you, to get you to do or act in a certain way, "Call your dad, call your dad, call your dad," because you found an old picture of your dad, a friend’s dad just died, Dad’s Country Fried Chicken House just opened around the corner.

So finally you call your dad and maybe he was sick or needed your support or YOU just needed to hear his voice.  Something in the cosmos had aligned, gently guiding your course.

Well calling my dad wasn't the message I have been getting and it hasn't really been gentle.  I have practically been beat over the head with what I should and must do.

The message I keep tripping around or kicking out of the way has to do with honesty, my honesty.  Honesty will set me free.... Or at least it will help me find my way and clear a path for me to see what I need and DON’T need in my life.  My genuine candor will hopefully help others and lift the veil of perception. The perception we create versus the reality.

Because don’t we, more often than not, put forth an image, a persona that we think others will like, will approve of. But we are conflicted, because it is false and it is hard to maintain and terrifying to think that someone might find out that we aren’t what we appear to be.  It’s exhausting.

And if you are like me, well I have several disguises that I use... one for work, one for home, one for family, one for friends, one for my children’s school.  It becomes difficult to remember who knows what about me and how to keep one group from knowing about that part of me I have decided to share with another.

Behind the Lens - Part 2

So about that day, the day I took one of my most treasured pictures of my chicklets... What doesn’t show in their angelic faces? What really happened? (If you are thoroughly lost with this post, you should read Behind the Lens - Part 1.)

Obviously I was tired and out of sorts that day, but I needed to get the pictures taken... so I could have them developed and ready to go on to our Christmas cards... and I was running out of time.  I had an entire roll of black & white film and one color roll as well. Yes, it was before I owned a digital camera, which might have saved me... and my family...

We started in our back yard in their coordinating outfits.... a few up against the tree, a few sitting here, a few more over there on the pile of leaves... On and on it went, and now guess what, it’s time for the color shots. Lets do all the poses over again just to make sure we get a good one.  My ever-patient hubby was helping herd our three youngins around, encouraging them with the guise that we were almost finished.

A good amount of the time, I was barking orders... open your eyes, don’t smile so big, hold still, look at the camera... JUST GREAT, now I have to take another one... On and on it went some more. My poor kiddos were getting so sick of it and I was escalating. Louder, more impatient, angrier, loosing control...

With less than ten frames left on the last roll, I suggested we move to the front yard. ‘Suggested’ that’s a nice way of putting it. Actually, it was more of a demand that they didn’t dare refuse. “If you would just hurry up, it wouldn’t take so d---- long and we could be done with this sh--!”  I couldn't just take a few of my husband or the house or a tree.... no, no, no... every last stinking picture had to be of my children.  It wasn’t developing into pretty situation... not pretty at all.

Behind the Lens - Part I

This much loved picture of my children sits in my living room.  I took it myself in our backyard over four years ago in late November.  Recently, I was reminded of the day I took this photo, because I was posting it to my Facebook page.  The caption I wrote under it went something like this:  There is a story behind this picture, maybe I will tell it someday...

For the last few days, I have reflected on memories that surround this photograph, memories that weigh on my mind.  What you see in a snapshot can sometimes be deceiving.  The cute little faces with their cherub cheeks and sweet smiles.  Such innocence...  It’s amazing that I was able to get this picture at all, considering the real mood and events that went along with it.

First I need to go back few weeks before it was taken.  I had to take my son to a routine doctor’s appointment and my daughter came along. Previous experience taught me to be prepared... a big bag of snacks, colors, paper, books... anything to keep my daughter engaged so that I could actually converse with the doctor.

That day was no different than prior visits.... taxing at best....  After Max was weighed, my daughter headed for the scale and began bouncing up and down on it....once in the examination room, she could not be deterred from standing on the swiveling physician’s stool.... then she moved on to opening each drawer and cabinet.  Finally (ignoring the clearly posted prohibition) I blew up a latex glove for her amusement.