Here and Now

It is said that if we practice being present in the moment, we can have clarity, focus and peace. But I will be the first to admit that I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen or how things will work out. I also tend to relive events of the past in my twisted mind which were painful or I wish I had done differently.

Finances, health concerns, relationships, regrets... so much of which is out of our control... the future is not written and the past can not be undone. When I focus undue energy on the past or future, usually because of fear or anxiety, I only manage to torture myself with the awful possibilities... creating imagined realities that may never come to pass.

Concentrating on the past, wishing it were different, serves no purpose. I can not divorce myself from the past, but instead of regret, I need to learn from my mistakes or choices and then let go of the negative emotions I associate with these memories.

Now this is certainly easier said than done... I am a perfect example. But I know it is possible... at least I know that I can be present if I remind myself to do so. And sometimes I have to remind myself over and over. Is it possible to always be present? I doubt it, but when lack of presence causes anger, fear, anxiety, worry and inaction, well I know I need to try something different.

There are times when my mind wanders, and I just can’t seem to help it. But there is no failure in this... I just need to call myself back, and back again, and back again if necessary. As often as it is necessary. When I am going through a trying time in my life, it seems I have to remind myself almost every other second.

But I have found that the more I practice living in the moment, it becomes easier. And unbelievably (for my brain loves to dwell on the crap) there are times it comes naturally, unforced.

Lifted by Friendship

It feels like forever since I have had the time to sit down and write... out-of-control busy... lots of stuff going on in my life, good and bad. Not so much bad as sad and difficult and uncertain and scary. I am sure this sounds familiar to everyone. I am not unique, but it is easy to start feeling like my world is crumbling and that it will never get better. You know, wallowing in my own self-pity. I am a master at this...

Thank God I have so many good friends... I had a couple things take place this afternoon that caused me a lot of anguish, but I got right on the phone, calling, texting, spewing, crying, ranting... and believe it or not I feel so much better than I did. A weight has been lifted...

Now for me this hasn't always been easy... to reach out and ask for help or just unload the things that are going on in my life. I would go through stuff and just hold it in and before long I was downright miserable. The fear, pain and hopelessness growing the longer I kept it bottled up.

Within a two-hour span this afternoon, I cut ties with a close friend (sad but necessary) then I followed it up with a screaming match with my soon-to-be-ex-husband (who I am sure unwittingly caught the jagged edges of my mood.)

Oh the joy, joy joy. I wanted to blubber, curse, crumble and rage all at once, and I did a little of all, but I also reached out to people in my life that really care about me and my well-being. Some offered advice, others adages, while a couple just listened.