Showing posts with label chaos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chaos. Show all posts

Sunday, May 9, 2010

30 Things Motherhood Taught Me

When I look back over the years... 12 years... there are countless things I learned as a mother, things that I never would have known had it not been for my three beautiful children—Hannah, Sara and Max. Though most of the lessons were wonderful and amazing, some were not easy or pleasant or, even valuable, as far as I can tell up to this point... but they are an inseparable part of me. They have helped shape me into who I am today. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I learned...

... the names of all four Teletubbies--Dipsy, Tinky-Winky, Lala and Po
... holding my new born baby could be thrilling and terrifying in the same moment
... my children would repeat every ‘bad word’ I said at the worst possible moments
... washable paint doesn’t mean the same as wash-off-able or wash-out-able
... I can’t compare number two to number one; they are totally different beings
... number three was a blessing, never an oops
... doughnuts are a great bribery tool
... boys may never learn to lift the lid
... all my children had to color on the walls or in a book at least once, some more than once
... that to avoid a toddler who is utterly crestfallen, crushed, disappointed and defeated and who blames me for it all, I should have taken roses to the Wiggles concert... why did no one tell me these things
... not to EVER place a bouncy seat on an elevated surface as clearly and boldly printed on the warning label... sorry Love
... it’s ok to let her wear her Sleeping Beauty ‘dress-up’ shoes and Minnie Mouse dress to the store
... even at seven he wants his mother to scoop him up and sooth him when he gets hurt at a baseball game
... to ALWAYS bring snacks whenever, wherever I go with my kiddos
... letting a baby cry themselves to sleep is gut wrenching
... bathtub crayons are an impossible nightmare to clean off of white grout
... it is OK to use the TV babysitter
... my girls couldn’t be kept away from pink, sparkly, frilly stuff no matter how hard I resisted
... the time between her first day of kindergarten and her first day of junior high was so short
... parenting by volume is difficult to avoid at times
... Biter Biscuits are soooooo messy and that I should send what was left of the box to the babysitter’s house
... not to let my child stand up in the basket part of the shopping cart, as clearly and boldly printed on the warning label... sorry again Love


... all my children had to try cutting their own hair, some more than once
... Goodnight Moon can take 30 minutes to read
... nursemaid’s elbow (partial dislocation of the elbow) can easily and quickly be fixed at home and doesn’t necessitate a 20-minute drive to the emergency room while my child issues forth endless waves of blood-curdling screams
... meandering walks lead by a two-year-old are some of my most cherished memories
... a juice filled sippy cup left in a hot car creates a huge leaky, oozing, sticky mess
... the sound of my children’s laughter and giggles is the best therapy
... the laundry is never, and I mean NEVER done
... my children love me and forgive me even when I make mistakes, even really big huge ones

I am sure it goes without saying, this is by no means a complete and exhaustive list of what motherhood has taught me. And I know without a doubt I still have many lessons yet to learn...both joyously and painfully. I am grateful for my three little chicklets and the lessons learned, making me a better me.

I'd love to hear what motherhood (or fatherhood) has taught you?

Happy Mother’s Day

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Lifted by Friendship

It feels like forever since I have had the time to sit down and write... out-of-control busy... lots of stuff going on in my life, good and bad. Not so much bad as sad and difficult and uncertain and scary. I am sure this sounds familiar to everyone. I am not unique, but it is easy to start feeling like my world is crumbling and that it will never get better. You know, wallowing in my own self-pity. I am a master at this...

Thank God I have so many good friends... I had a couple things take place this afternoon that caused me a lot of anguish, but I got right on the phone, calling, texting, spewing, crying, ranting... and believe it or not I feel so much better than I did. A weight has been lifted...

Now for me this hasn't always been easy... to reach out and ask for help or just unload the things that are going on in my life. I would go through stuff and just hold it in and before long I was downright miserable. The fear, pain and hopelessness growing the longer I kept it bottled up.

Within a two-hour span this afternoon, I cut ties with a close friend (sad but necessary) then I followed it up with a screaming match with my soon-to-be-ex-husband (who I am sure unwittingly caught the jagged edges of my mood.)

Oh the joy, joy joy. I wanted to blubber, curse, crumble and rage all at once, and I did a little of all, but I also reached out to people in my life that really care about me and my well-being. Some offered advice, others adages, while a couple just listened.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thank God Music Teachers Can't Spell

Ok... so I didn't get home until midnight... late meeting... then I still have to make two Teacher Appreciation door signs that need to be hung tomorrow... I guess that would be today, this afternoon. But of course I had to mess around on Facebook for an hour first.

I already knew what I was going to put on each sign, had all my letters cut out... from the school's handy dandy die cut thingamajig. For my children’s music teacher, I used a Cole Porter song, You're the Top as a theme. Printed out a bunch of hats, including a top hat, glued them all on, and viola, the first one is done.

That was the easiest teacher appreciation sign I have ever made. No hot glue necessary this year or stuffed animals or moving parts. Kept it simple. I should have knocked on wood...

So I am assembling the second one for our PE teacher... laying it all out and then I realize I am missing an E and oh yeah by the way it is 3:00 AM. Time for bed... way past. I can glue it together tomorrow.... but first I have to put it all away, because my insanely smart mutts will be all over it in the morning if I don't.

All cleaned up, scarps recycled, glue put away, scissors stored... admiring my work on the first sign. And well here is a reality, my brain doesn't work on next-to-no-sleep and that is what I am going on this week which is a carry over from the previous week and the week before that.

By this time in the morning, I begin to feel drunk even though I haven't had a drop. My speech seems slurred, my reactions slow, and come 6:45 there will be hell to pay... I will be a total crab ass through the entire morning routine... guaranteed.

So back to admiring my handy work... when I see it... look close. Really?!?! Did I actually mix up the letters?!?! Yes I did....

So tired.... I go to bed now.... rip it off and re-glue it in the morning... Doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t think music teachers can spell... they just sing... right? You know I'm kidding. Oh and please don't ask me why I had to blog right now... my brane if vary fuzzzy...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Two-week and One-day Stay at the Lunatic Lodge

For one week now, the three little people in my life have brawled and squawked, screamed and grumbled on and on about one another. The oldest baits the youngest, the middle child wails, someone pushes, another shoves. They scratch, taunt and glare as I beg them to get along... and the beat goes on. We are blessed with a two-week plus one extra day spring break here in Chandler. Oh joy...

Not a moment’s peace... one week was manageable, I filled the time with my limited budget, but two weeks and a day... are they insane? And the week they return, they have Monday off, go back for three days and are off again on Friday.

Even if I had a limitless budget, I couldn’t possibly keep them busy enough. My children honestly spend more time and effort combating each other than they do on any other pursuit. This morning it was the wrongful accusation of a stolen doll, tattle-tailing about un-brushed teeth, and, “It’s not fair, they won’t let me be the caboose! I want to play choo-choo too!”

Our afternoon frolic to the park, was rained out... and as I write I can hear pounding feet on the second floor and the high pitched squeal of my son... delight or rage? That is yet to be determined... I better go check.

After checking, it turns out that it was my younger daughter who was screaming. When I inquired what the problem was, she started sniveling that, “They were laughing at me.”

“Well, isn’t that better than them throwing things at you,” I say trying to make light of the situation, salvaging what had been a 1-hour long stint with negligible fighting.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Stupid Silly Girl

Have you ever put yourself into a situation that you knew most likely from the onset wasn't going to turn out well. Your sixth sense tried to warn you, but you pushed on without regard, because you had ulterior motives, or more often than not, in my case... lacked sound judgment.

Like that blind date I agreed to go on with a friend of a friend. I didn’t find him attractive, his car reeked of the early 80’s and three glasses of wine later he wasn’t any more charming. I guess I went out with him because I was bored and didn’t at the time have any better prospects... stupid, silly girl. As he drove me home at 185/mph (literally) with my nails dug into the arm rest, I just kept thinking please God don't let me die next to this moron.

And my little known secret of the time I decided to tie the knot in Las Vegas in the middle of the night... in a black dress.  That should have been a clear omen right there... Definitely not well thought out, but we are all allowed at least one major lapse, aren’t we?

Then there was that time I went to an audition at a small artsy-fartsy theatre company in the Haight-Ashbury district.  I nervously read cold from a script written by the company’s producer-director-playwright who was a too-full-of-himself ass, but I smiled and sucked up, hoping for a bit part.  His lovely assistant though was literally my doppelganger... which must have given me false comfort.

I was hopeful that being kept so long engaged in uninteresting chit-chat (2-1/2 hours) meant I had impressed him with my acting abilities.... again, I was a stupid, silly girl.

At the end of my audition, he asked if I would be willing to pose nude for him... really... unbelievable, the nerve of this guy!?! He wanted to sketch me side-by-side with his assistant. Fine, whatever... as long as I got paid. I was a starving college student, who thought herself above the trappings of conventional modesty or clothing.  Or at least I was trying to convince myself of that. Whatever the case, I really couldn’t afford principles that month so I agreed.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Post-Visualizaion

It is said that once a humble man asked a monk if it was possible to find one's way to God.  The enlightened monk replied that the simple act of thinking in such an elevated manner changed a person.  Change originates from our strongest desires and intentions.

(I have been trying to write this post since Saturday. I have a strong desire to finish it. But when I tell anyone I am having difficulty getting it done, well everyone has a suggestion. Today, my sister recommended that I write about Easter... What?  How does that help??? Easter, Easter, Easter... there I wrote about Easter! Happy? I am taking a deep breath now, trying to get back to where I was...)

A specific wish or longing can be represented by a symbol which holds strong personal or spiritual meaning for us.  Visualizing this symbol during meditation can help bring about what you most desire.  Holding an object in your hand that exemplifies our dream, while.......

(Rrrrrrrr..... The only thing I am holding in my hand is my cell phone that perpetually vibrates...)

(Excuse me if you will.... I have a friend who keeps texting me.  I told him that I was busy trying to write... having a hard time finding my voice... not loving what I've wrote so far.... but no he just keeps texting ....)

(I am just going to put my phone on silent and ignore him... he'll go away eventually.)

(Ok... picked up the phone to see what he wrote, because I can't concentrate... Deciding to ignore him wasn't the best idea.  He went into long-winded self-postulating conversation with his alter ego...that has completely filled my in-box.....??)

...I am quite the genius, aren’t I?
always bragging... conceited full of yourself is more like it...
What was that?
u heard me...!
You know what your problem is? I’ll tell you... You’re an idiot!
that’s original... you think that up all on your own?
No.... looked up idiot in the dictionary and it showed a picture of you...
it is hard to hear your muddling, considering that due to your rectal cranial immersion, your wallet is in the way!
Are you trying to say that my head is up my a..? I take offense to that!
take whatever you want to wherever you want it’s the truth...
You are a dead man...
am i supposed to fear that... shudder shudder... oooh...
You frustrate me to my wits end...
btw... what is “SHE” up to...
She has a name, dammit...
that’s a funny name for a girl....
You know you’ve now crossed the line... 
oh trying to be all noble are we ...?!
she just ignores u anyway... some “blog” or something-way more important than u....
I beg to differ... sir!
disinterested more like...
As much as I hate to admit it... You may have a point... She does seem to be preoccupied...
she is probably taking a nap... ur 2 much for her to deal with...
I'm not asleep... trying to write here...
oh look now she feels like responding...
I'm quite a handful, aren't I?
Haven't had time to read any of your texts yet ...Had to get my kiddos... Just letting you TWO go for it... :-)
What ingratitude...
damn convenient isn’t it?
I mean it’s not like we knew everything was ok... I mean she could have been injured...
yea, like laying on the side of some dark ally with a knife wound...
i'm outa here....

Fine, leave! I’m still here...four days later, after spending the last three hours trying to get past my block and this is what I have to show for it. I give up!

I just want to thank all my loving supporters today.  You've helped me immensely. I couldn’t do it without you, truly. Oh and one thing I almost forgot, GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG!

I feel confident that I have visualized the symbolism representing my intention very clearly. (SMILE)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Braving the Great Outdoors

Growing up with brothers, taught me to never back down. Being told that I couldn’t do something, well that was just an invitation for me to prove somebody wrong. Even if I didn’t want to do what I was told that I couldn‘t do, well, I'd do it anyway or go down in flames trying to prove that I COULD. Make sense?

I’ll admit it wasn't always pretty to watch... like eating a huge pile of wasabi in one gulp... owww... that was just stupid. Or tightrope walking 12 feet of wobbly wire fence. That one knocked the wind out of me. But I can run faster, hold my breath longer and scream louder than any of my brothers... those are true survival skills.

I had difficulty resisting a challenge, so when my brother Rod declared that I wouldn’t last a night out in the woods by myself, I just couldn’t manage to keep my mouth shut and let it slide. Immediately protesting that I most certainly could, I was egged on with the hackneyed expression, “Prove it then!”

At the age of 15 I deplored camping. My years of prior experience had cured me of any lingering urges. Teenage girls can’t sleep in dirt, on dirt, eat dirt, wear dirt. And where would I plug in my curling iron?

The last thing I wanted to do was spend the night in the great outdoors, but now I HAD TO, because someone told me I couldn’t... curses!

Unfortunately, there was no way I was actually going to sleep out in the middle of nowhere by myself, so I recruited my best friend Sherry and eight year old brother Ray to help defend my honor. I didn‘t consider that cheating; I simply needed witnesses.

After gathering, piling, stuffing and compacting more than we would need for a week's stay, my father with unspoken misgivings, drove the three of us to Freeman Reservoir campground among the scenic mountains in northwestern Colorado. I suppose my dad had selected this site for its proximity, conveniences and lack of fervor. Little or no possibility of trouble, or so he hoped.

Excited by our forthcoming independence and restless for adventure, my disdain for camping was temporarily forgotten. Gently declining all offers of help from my father, we eagerly said our goodbyes and began setting up camp in the midst of towering pine and aspen trees.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Insomnia Delirium

Sleep deprivation is starting to wreak havoc on me this week. My insomnia stems from having a lot on my mind... contemplation, reflection, speculation, concern.  Issues of the mind and heart...things that can not simply be forgotten or resolved. Things to work out, work through. Life stuff.

I've only slept around eight hours in the last five days.  I'm not whining, but I am starting to feel my personality amplify and distort... which, I assure you, is the last thing I need.

I'm overly emotional, hyper-sensitive, edgy, wired and having difficulty focusing. I also have this habit of talking too much. By the time I realize I’m doing it, I can’t remember the point at which I started or was trying to make. Just like now...

Looking for ways to overcome my present bout with insomnia, I read online (because I'm not quite feeling paranoid enough this morning) not getting enough sleep can lead to depression, weight gain, low self-esteem and brain SHRINKAGE.

The silver lining... I also found a list of 78 things to do when you can't fall asleep (that's such a random number.) After a certain point frustration sets in and you might as well get up and do something productive. Some are definitely worth trying, but a lot of them just cracked me up. I needed to laugh today...

Clean out your medicine cabinet
Read the Yellow Pages to learn about your community
Pluck your eyebrows
Memorize 5 new words from the dictionary
Free write everything that pops into your head
Clean the bathroom
Pray
Update your resume
Clip your nose hairs
Face your demons
Look at the stars
Sweep your deck or balcony
Pretend you're asleep
Draw your living room
Paint a self portrait
Make soup
Lie on the grass
Lie in the snow
Lie in the rain
Don't lie to yourself

When I have suffered through sleepless periods in the past, I’ve gone shopping in the middle of the night at stores open 24-hours, watched my children sleep (and taken pictures), chatted online with insomniac friends and created lengthy lists of things I need to do or that are bothering me.  Or I do as the Savage Chickens, ”Sometimes I lie awake all night worrying about insomnia.”

As I hash out the concerns in my life and future, finding resolution and acceptance, my thoughts will eventually quiet. Until that point though, I am following a slap-happy trail into delirium, where I’ll be making chicken soup in my medicine cabinet with brain shriveling demons. No rest for the weary...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Chinks in my Armor

It is said like attracts like; we are drawn to others who possess similar energy, optimism and motivation. This certainly seems to be the case in the majority of relationships I've had. When I was looking at things as half empty, that is what I got in return. When pessimism prevailed in my psyche, doom and gloom became my partner. The chinks in our armor can unwittingly attract what we want least, but invariably our mind-set determines the outcome.

When I was in college, I befriended a young man who on the outset appeared charismatic and witty, distracting me from the mundane chore of waiting tables, deftly matching my sarcasm tit for tat.

Though he was a couple years younger than I, we were like Tom and Jerry, making laughter our means of getting through each 5:00 AM shift. Our pranks were not selfishly confined to ourselves; we gladly taunted our fellow coworkers who were often peeved with our diversions.

Outside of work, we spent time together as well... seeing movies, canvassing the mall, sharing our wish lists for the future. He introduced me to his friends, I introduced him to mine.

Lane’s dark eyes and disheveled hair gave him an intellectual yet brooding air that made women, young and old stare. Shrinking down his six-foot frame into his faded green army jacket, he would pretend not to notice. If I teased about the obvious attention he drew, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Our friendship held no romantic aspirations or hang ups, at least not for me. But I mistakenly assumed he shared my sentiment and my lack of clarity would have painful, almost fatal, ramifications in the months ahead.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Making Amends

Part of growing up is realizing that you aren’t the center of the universe. Self-interest starts to take a back seat to self-growth. You begin to see outside yourself, outside of your small little world, wanting to share your gifts instead of just honing them. And hopefully you realize how your actions effect others.

It’s quite possible that I am just now starting to grow up, NOT old. In the last couple of years, I have begun to really deal with the things that held me back, and that which I couldn’t let go of. Too much baggage leaves us with one foot in the past. Living in the past only keeps up from living in the present, living life to the fullest. Living for the present allows us to enjoy the journey with less concern for the destination.

My baggage included a massive trunk of regret locked by guilt. As a means of letting much of this go, I have tried to look at the past honestly and accurately, sometimes admitting fault and vowing to learn from those experiences.

More often than not, I have realized that my disappointments don’t need to be assigned blame. They are just a part of life and once re-compartmentalized in my askew brain, they are merely memories I need not lament. And at this point, I wouldn't opt to go back and change anything if I could. My experiences, good or bad, have made me who I am today.

There are though, a few instances that I feel compelled to make amends for my actions. One of which included my younger brother Ray. This regret weighed on me so heavily, that for years I replayed the circumstances in my head over and over, my own form of self torture.

Growing up, my father was fairly strict. And when we were young enough, spanking was the chosen form of discipline used in our home. Now I don’t want to get into a debate about whether parents should spank or not. I happen to believe not, but when I was a kid it was acceptable and I will defend my dad staunchly by saying that he is a great man and he always did what he believed was best.

With that said, I will admit that I had a good healthy fear of spankings, as did my siblings. So much so, that avoidance at all cost reined supreme and consequently we were generally pretty well behaved, at least within earshot of our father.

One absolute commandment in our house (and I hold this one up in my own) was that we were not to touch my father’s tools without permission. Plain and simple and for good reasons that I didn’t grasp until later in life.

But you know how kids are.... they constantly mess with things they shouldn’t and I was no exception. Curiosity, boredom or just believing I might get away with it this once, lead me astray.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Onomatopoeia: The Sounds of Life

Actually finding an opportunity to return emails or check online accounts is nearly impossible for me. I've tried to teach my children that it is like when mommy is on the phone..... DO NOT interrupt! But they rarely observe that rule...so when I found myself in a nearly deserted house the other day, I jumped at the chance. I was merrily typing away, when I heard....

KREEE-UNCHH... KREEE-UNCHH..... KREEE-UNCHH

What was that....?

KREEE-UNCHH... KREEE-UNCHH.....

“Sara....? What’s that noise?” She was in the next room.... although I try not to automatically assume it is always her, SHE was the only within earshot at the moment.

“Nooooothing.” she chimes back sweetly.

Hmmmmmm....... right....

KREEE-UNCHH..KREEE-UNCHH..KREEE-UNCHH... KREEE-UNCHH....

“What the heck is that?!?”

“Nothing!” she screams back a bit too defensively.

KREEE-UNCHH-KREEE-UNCHH-KREEE-UNCHH-KREEE-UNCHH-KREEE-UNCHH...

“SARA! What are you doing!?!” I demand as I marched into the adjoining room.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Jerk Reaction

I have this bad habit that I would genuinely like to change or at least reduce the frequency and intensity of its occurrence.  It causes way too much angst for me and others around me.

I have the tendency to over personalize things. I am sure it stems from low self esteem or insecurities, stuff we all suffer from in some degree or another. I personalize others actions and words, often assuming incorrectly that they are mad at me or being inconsiderate. I used to go around worrying if someone was mad or upset or what it was that I did. Luckily, with all my accumulated wisdom, I have reached a point where I just come out and ask what is going on and get it over with.

But misinterpretation isn’t my actual concern, the real problem is my big-mouth, knee-jerk, over-reaction that sometimes follows. When I feel passionate or defensive about something, my mouth leads the way, without my brain.

Here is a small-scale example: Last night I was hollering to my husband to let him know I was leaving (not for good, just for a few minutes.) I didn’t realize he was right inside the garage, as I was stepping out into the garage.

I was using volume, because earlier he had been in the front yard. I just wanted to call out to him quickly and be off. I had a hot dinner in my car that needed to be delivered to friends who had just had a baby. Stat. No time to waste.

When he said, “WHAT?” in what I perceived to be a terse, irritated tone, for no good reason, well I got upset and left in a huff.

Later he apologized and it turns out, I had startled him. He was trying to get into the house to answer me, but I was on top of him before he knew it. He wasn’t mad and didn’t even realize he had sounded that way.

See how I can turn a one little word into an event when I’m feeling frantic. And though I know my over-reaction only leads to more havoc, I seem to keep repeating it. Barely four days before I managed to skew things all sideways with my daughter’s teacher. It started when she sent me the following innocuous email:

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Breaking in the Day

I am just wondering, how many people made their bed this morning?  Not me.  I’m lucky if maybe I make it two times a week in the actual AM portion of a given day, possibly one or two more times a week I might get it made by the afternoon and well the rest of the time, it gets left as a rumpled toss of blankets... perfect for jumping.

I never really thought (or honestly cared) about it much, but something a friend shared this morning at a meeting, made me rethink certain rituals we perform at the crack of dawn and the impact they have on the rest of our day.

He said that in order to start off in the right direction each morning, he has to make his bed. He pulls up the sheets, then folds over the bedspread, yanks and smoothes out the wrinkles, ending with a couple of good smacks to fluff up the pillows.  For him that simple ceremony brings a sense of order and focus before heading into a new day.

I was like hmmmmm, yea right..... order and focus.... in the morning, before coffee, with three kids to get ready and out of the house? I wasn’t convinced, but I kept thinking about it all day.

My morning ritual goes a little something like this... As soon as my children’s school comes into sight, I gun my minivan through the 15 miles-per-hour school zone, kick my kids out on the curb and race for the hills howling with joy, before anyone can catch me and give my heathens back!

Just kidding, really, that was just a fantasy joke.  But some days I do feel like that though... as if I just can’t get rid of them soon enough. It’s always amazing to me how less than two hours from waking to drop off can be so stressful.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Pulling Away, Rolling Away


I suppose we each choose a different time, a different way to assert our independence.  A rite of passage. And right on schedule, my oldest has began pushing the boundaries, just enough to make me worry about the future, recalling all too clearly what I myself managed to try and get away with.

Last night she was supposed to go to the mall with a friend and her family, but there was a last minute change. Instead of calling me, she waited for me to track her down.  Now I would have been fine with the new plan, had I been given the opportunity... But I wasn’t! So of course I can’t help putting on my motherly authority like armor, beginning her lecture over the phone before she even got home.

“She’s grounded tomorrow and we should take away phone!” I blast off at my husband as we awaited her return.

Gently trying to quell my windup to a full tirade, he suggested, “Why don’t we wait until tomorrow to decide what to do?” while giving me his all-knowing, seen-it-happen-before nod.

“Why!?! She lied. She didn’t do what she was supposed to do. She...”

“I just think it would be better if we avoid a big fight tonight. We’ll let her know that we will talk about it in the morning,” my husband offers, trying again to reach the rational part of me.

Fine. But when my 12-year old entered the front door wearing make up, which she knows she is not allowed to wear yet... Well, I had to do everything I could to grit my teeth and not start yelling.

She is pulling away, claiming her independence, growing up. It’s hard for me, because she has always wanted to be at my side, my shadow.  But even though she wants to go and do, when she returns to the comfort of the nest, she has to have affirmation that I miss her and love her and need her. For me it’s a comfort to know that she’s not quite ready to take the full leap.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Behind the Lens - Part 2


So about that day, the day I took one of my most treasured pictures of my chicklets... What doesn’t show in their angelic faces? What really happened? (If you are thoroughly lost with this post, you should read Behind the Lens - Part 1.)

Obviously I was tired and out of sorts that day, but I needed to get the pictures taken... so I could have them developed and ready to go on to our Christmas cards... and I was running out of time.  I had an entire roll of black & white film and one color roll as well. Yes, it was before I owned a digital camera, which might have saved me... and my family...

We started in our back yard in their coordinating outfits.... a few up against the tree, a few sitting here, a few more over there on the pile of leaves... On and on it went, and now guess what, it’s time for the color shots. Lets do all the poses over again just to make sure we get a good one.  My ever-patient hubby was helping herd our three youngins around, encouraging them with the guise that we were almost finished.

A good amount of the time, I was barking orders... open your eyes, don’t smile so big, hold still, look at the camera... JUST GREAT, now I have to take another one... On and on it went some more. My poor kiddos were getting so sick of it and I was escalating. Louder, more impatient, angrier, loosing control...

With less than ten frames left on the last roll, I suggested we move to the front yard. ‘Suggested’ that’s a nice way of putting it. Actually, it was more of a demand that they didn’t dare refuse. “If you would just hurry up, it wouldn’t take so d---- long and we could be done with this sh--!”  I couldn't just take a few of my husband or the house or a tree.... no, no, no... every last stinking picture had to be of my children.  It wasn’t developing into pretty situation... not pretty at all.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Behind the Lens - Part I




This much loved picture of my children sits in my living room.  I took it myself in our backyard over four years ago in late November.  Recently, I was reminded of the day I took this photo, because I was posting it to my Facebook page.  The caption I wrote under it went something like this:  There is a story behind this picture, maybe I will tell it someday...

For the last few days, I have reflected on memories that surround this photograph, memories that weigh on my mind.  What you see in a snapshot can sometimes be deceiving.  The cute little faces with their cherub cheeks and sweet smiles.  Such innocence...  It’s amazing that I was able to get this picture at all, considering the real mood and events that went along with it.

First I need to go back few weeks before it was taken.  I had to take my son to a routine doctor’s appointment and my daughter came along. Previous experience taught me to be prepared... a big bag of snacks, colors, paper, books... anything to keep my daughter engaged so that I could actually converse with the doctor.

That day was no different than prior visits.... taxing at best....  After Max was weighed, my daughter headed for the scale and began bouncing up and down on it....once in the examination room, she could not be deterred from standing on the swiveling physician’s stool.... then she moved on to opening each drawer and cabinet.  Finally (ignoring the clearly posted prohibition) I blew up a latex glove for her amusement.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

In an Ello world...

Last Thursday I made a post about my tendency to get locked onto something and ignore my family and at the end of that post I made a resolution to spend more time with my kids.  So I wanted to update you on that promise.

On Friday evening, Saturday, Sunday and Monday (because they were off school ) I did go out of my way to really be there. I made a decision not to write or post to my blog, because I have realized in the last month I just can't do both at the same time.

If I am composing or tweaking a post or my site, I am absorbed, paying no attention to them... If they need me, I ask them to wait or I become impatient with the interruptions or irritated by the bickering in the next room.  So I am going to save it for when they are in school or in bed.

This weekend we spent time together doing necessary things (cleaning two fish tanks and writing thank you cards) and fun stuff (building an Ello mansion and bike riding).  It wasn't forced interaction, but I was at a point where I had to set a boundary for myself:  I didn’t allow myself to get on the computer and zone out...OK OK...I Facebooked at little... just a little....

Thursday, January 14, 2010

My mother lives here, but we don’t know where she is . . .


A searing pain has taken up residence between my shoulder blades today. Probably because I have not had one single minute, or second today that wasn't spent doing, going, making, fixing, working, helping. No relaxing, resting or meditating. And if I remember correctly, not much laughing, few smiles and once near tears. Even when I actually had the opportunity to catch my breath and shift gears, I didn't choose to slow down, I just pushed on to the next task. Even at dinner, my brain was reeling through my mental lists.

That is so ADD. It is impossible for me to turn my brain off. I fixate on an activity until it is complete, often to the detriment of my family. I ignore my kids, irritate my husband, forget my dogs and disregard housekeeping until my mission is utterly complete. I just find it unbearable to stop until I am finished.... painting, sewing, blogging, whatever my newest pursuit may be.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Finding an Itty-Bit of Zen

You know how most people look forward to the weekend. Time off. No work.  I sometimes have mixed feelings.  For me weekends mean running around juggling my children’s sporting events, laundry, cleaning up my house, only to have my kids make more messes, grocery shopping, planning and cooking three meals a day...  And all five of us at home, together, in one house, under one roof, grating on one another, bickering, fighting, yelling, screaming.