Here and Now

It is said that if we practice being present in the moment, we can have clarity, focus and peace. But I will be the first to admit that I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen or how things will work out. I also tend to relive events of the past in my twisted mind which were painful or I wish I had done differently.

Finances, health concerns, relationships, regrets... so much of which is out of our control... the future is not written and the past can not be undone. When I focus undue energy on the past or future, usually because of fear or anxiety, I only manage to torture myself with the awful possibilities... creating imagined realities that may never come to pass.

Concentrating on the past, wishing it were different, serves no purpose. I can not divorce myself from the past, but instead of regret, I need to learn from my mistakes or choices and then let go of the negative emotions I associate with these memories.

Now this is certainly easier said than done... I am a perfect example. But I know it is possible... at least I know that I can be present if I remind myself to do so. And sometimes I have to remind myself over and over. Is it possible to always be present? I doubt it, but when lack of presence causes anger, fear, anxiety, worry and inaction, well I know I need to try something different.

There are times when my mind wanders, and I just can’t seem to help it. But there is no failure in this... I just need to call myself back, and back again, and back again if necessary. As often as it is necessary. When I am going through a trying time in my life, it seems I have to remind myself almost every other second.

But I have found that the more I practice living in the moment, it becomes easier. And unbelievably (for my brain loves to dwell on the crap) there are times it comes naturally, unforced.

A Life with Purpose

Today I experienced one of those weeeeeoooooooo right-time-right-place moments... Some may call it fortuitous, happy accident, serendipitous, dumb luck, random chance, good fortune, coincidence. But I don’t believe in luck or coincidence. I believe that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment.

Each moment of our lives is important, to be treasured... we will never get it back. The weeeeeoooooooo moment I refer to from today made my heart race and stirred something inside of me deeply. I know without a doubt that God lead me there so that I could help someone in great need.

By great I don’t mean that I pulled anyone from a burning building or such... just every day life stuff. But stuff I know about personally that can profoundly influence our happiness if we don’t eventually deal with it.

Now the details are not necessary, I am not a hero... I just had the tools that someone else desperately needed. I had an answer to their burning question. Through my experience I could offer hope. I cannot know the future, but I was able to help them see what they could do today... where they could go from here... how to perhaps begin anew.

And that was no accident. I felt God’s presence with me in a way that I haven’t felt in many many years. Although He has always been with me, I went through a period in my life when I chose not to see, not to feel, not to believe. Today, in a brief moment, I felt the power of my faith ... flowing from me to another.

Now will this person’s life be changed forever? I am not that powerful or full of myself. I only gave them a thought, a direction, a possibility. The rest will be up to them. But being able to help someone else and give them hope, that was the real miracle for ME... Not what may or may not happen in the future... for this I can not control.

Striving to help others, abandoning my pursuit of things, letting go of my selfish behaviors... Service. Could service be the purpose of my life, my course to follow? This was certainly the path shown to me today.

No matter where you are, no matter when... you are where you are supposed to be. Every thought and action we have has the power to effect someone else. What will you choose to do with that power?

"Your time on this earth is a gift to be used wisely. Don't squander your words or your thoughts. Consider that even the simplest actions you take for your lives matter beyond measure...and they matter forever." Andy Andrews, The Noticer

A Hoppy Ending

As an individual full of faults, flaws and shortcomings, in the past I have often done the same (not so smart) thing over and over, getting the same results without realizing the pattern. And even when I identify and accept a behavior defect about myself that is none too flattering, I find I am still prone to repeating it. When I sidestep a fear or weakness, it tends to sidle back in and bite me.

I was recently smacked in the face with one such unpleasant penchant of mine. I don’t like to admit out loud to anyone that I suffer from this affliction... but since my marriage is dissolving, I must begrudgingly concede that it is high time I address this tendency.

I am a Hopper. I am sure you are wondering what the heck is a hopper? It doesn’t identify someone who is good at hopscotch or a hop-picking machine or a green leaf-eating insect. It is a little pet name adopted by myself and a fellow hopper.

It means I hop from one relationship with a man to another. As soon as I am done with one, I move almost immediately on to the next... no downtime, sometimes they even overlap. During my entire adult life, I have never been alone... except for one brief period of a few months when I was miserably lonely and constantly on the look out for someone to fill my void.

Until recently I had classified my being a hopper as nothing more than a genetic idiosyncrasy, but not necessarily detrimental. I now realize my habitual behavior borders on unhealthy and destructive. OK... it more than borders, IT IS unhealthy and destructive.

Even when I thought I had got lucky and hopped into a healthy relationship, eventually I was faced with the truth of yet another unhappy end. Not because the men I chose were always terrible human beings, but because they weren’t necessarily right for me and I never took the time to determine this between hops.

Moreover, if I happened to be in a bad spot in my life when I hopped (which is generally the case for me... no relationship = despair) well it doesn’t matter who I hopped to saint or psycho. If God had put the perfect man in front of me, I would have screwed it up, because I was screwed up.

Girl Power!

Did you know a female fetus develops ovaries around eight weeks gestation which contain nearly seven million eggs?!?!?! By the time a baby girl is born this number is reduced to one million and by puberty only about 400 eggs remain. Now that alone demonstrates to me a higher power... my very existence was certainly chosen if I could beat those odds!

But I also ponder the physic-spiritual-chemical-body-soul-universe link that women have with their children, especially girls... as our daughter’s carry on this link to the next generation. OK... I’ll speak clearly or at least try...

Shortly after my mother was conceived (eight weeks or so) the ONE egg which was to become 50 percent of MY own unique genetic code was there within her. This ONE egg (half of me) was carried with her for over 20 years, undergoing and experiencing the changes of her body’s internal environment.

When she had feelings of joy and sadness, anger and peace, stress, fatigue and restfulness... her body reacted chemically with each. When she learned to walk, talk, do algebra, drive a car, again there were chemical reactions occurring in her brain that developed new neural links. But the things she learned also influenced her feelings and actions, which effected her entire being. When she ate nutritiously as a small child, chose potato chips for dinner as an adolescent, or got drunk for the first time... the whole of her mind and body were effected... often in undetectable ways.

Lesson of the Week

What I learned this week... Well even though I keep hearing it, I keep experiencing it, I keep hurting because of it (for years now).... I was unable to believe it. Once I begrudgingly resigned myself to accept it though... my pain, fear and emotional turmoil was lightened (No no no... not entirely removed, that would be asking too much, but close enough and I am grateful for that.)

Here IT is.... There is NO human being that I know or will ever know that can fulfill me, make me happy or meet my needs. The more I think and believe that another person can do these things for me, the more I am discontented with myself and my relationships. When I accept that the only way for me to have peace, happiness, fulfillment is to give my life over to God and let him lead. He is the ONLY certainty that I can ever completely count on. He will always love me unconditionally, even with my countless and ever emerging flaws.

Off and on all week, I was thrown a curve here or there by people in my life. My reactions ranged from anger and sadness to anxiety and disappointment. But I was actually able to curtail those emotions from developing into full blown tantrums, cuss outs or target practice.

I recognized my feelings, acknowledged that they were valid (at least somewhat), and allowed myself to feel them. Then I remembered that I didn’t need to go over the edge, because I have a power much greater than myself that will give me peace and solutions. I have a power that will put all right with the world. Just by knowing and remembering that things would work out, that I would be loved no matter the outcome, I was able to let go of my emotional baggage. I do not have to feel let down, lonely or worried when I put my faith in God.

Now putting too much faith in a human being, well that is an entirely different story... a trap we all fall into from time to time. Certainly we should and do believe in each other, but if we base our self-worth and happiness on another person, then we are likely to be miserable, if not immediately, it will eventually happen. Lets face it... nobody is even close to perfect and nobody wants exactly what we want. So even when I felt wronged, I was able to know that it would work out, that I need not feel destroyed, despondent or hopeless. Instead I felt assured and peaceful; I smiled from the inside out.

Oh and let me not forget to share lesson #2... when you drive away too fast in a blue minivan, turns out you don’t look all I-gotta-need-for-speed. Whoever happens to be watching your display of raw V6 power, just thinks you are mad... Go figure? I have to laugh at myself for that one... I’m such a dork!

The Prodigal Daughter

Two Sundays ago, I loaded my kids in the car, picked up my sister and four-year old niece, and headed to church. Now this scene wouldn't generally seem strange, but I haven't personally been to church for more years than I care to state out loud, except the random wedding and well--TRUE CONFESSION: My children have NEVER been to church. Told you I was raising a bunch of heathens... cringe and judge me if you must... I am sure I deserve that.

Many moons ago, I ended a relationship with someone who was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and the Catholic church that I was a member of at the time made me feel, in no uncertain terms, that my leaving him was unacceptable... well I SPITEFULLY turned my back on my church, organized religion and God.

I spent years with a spiritual void growing ever greater inside of me. In my heart, even though I publicly denied it, I needed, wanted, craved a spiritual connection. At first my anger caused me to withdraw from what had always been a certainty in my life. Then I became openly reproachful, thinking I was smarter than or somehow above religion.

But I always felt an emptiness. This cavity grew, leaving me feeling hollow and hopeless. But I continued to feel a pull. And slowly but surely I have found my way back, in little bits and pieces. Peace is settling back into my heart, and I feel hope in a way that gives me new purpose.

So what does my 12-year old say when I asked her, “What did you think of the service?”

Surrendering my Pain

Surrender. That was the message I found today, when facing an emotionally painful and uncertain situation in my life. When I saw the word, surrender, my mind immediately latched on to it, because I have heard it used several times this week by myself and others around me. Though I am hard-headed at times, I am trying not to ignore the signs or the big white flag...

What does surrender mean? To give up? Give into emotions, whims or wants? Resignation? It can be defined as giving up or admitting defeat, but surrender is also the act of handing over control to another.

For me this is a difficult and unnatural process... not being in total control?!? I labor and stress to manage the many details of my life, thinking this will bring me what I want, make me happy. To be completely honest, this approach is not really working out for me at all.

Surrender begins when I honestly and fearlessly open my heart, my mind, and admit that I do not know what to do. I have to acknowledge (and constantly remind myself) that I do not understand what everything means or how to respond.

As we recognize our powerlessness, we can hand over control to our inner voice, a higher power, the universe, God. As hard as it is for me, I must allow God to decide for me.

Surrender frees us to perceive, to experience, to simply do what feels right. Living in the moment, we can open ourselves to all possibilities, our full potential. Letting go of negative emotions... worry, regret, fear, pain... replacing them with faith, hope, trust.

I am willing to accept whatever decision is made for me; I don't have to like it to accept it. No matter what it is, I will know and trust that it is right for me. I willingly surrender my pain and uncertainty, open my heart and mind, relinquish control, welcome peace into my life.