Behind the Lens - Part 2

So about that day, the day I took one of my most treasured pictures of my chicklets... What doesn’t show in their angelic faces? What really happened? (If you are thoroughly lost with this post, you should read Behind the Lens - Part 1.)

Obviously I was tired and out of sorts that day, but I needed to get the pictures taken... so I could have them developed and ready to go on to our Christmas cards... and I was running out of time.  I had an entire roll of black & white film and one color roll as well. Yes, it was before I owned a digital camera, which might have saved me... and my family...

We started in our back yard in their coordinating outfits.... a few up against the tree, a few sitting here, a few more over there on the pile of leaves... On and on it went, and now guess what, it’s time for the color shots. Lets do all the poses over again just to make sure we get a good one.  My ever-patient hubby was helping herd our three youngins around, encouraging them with the guise that we were almost finished.

A good amount of the time, I was barking orders... open your eyes, don’t smile so big, hold still, look at the camera... JUST GREAT, now I have to take another one... On and on it went some more. My poor kiddos were getting so sick of it and I was escalating. Louder, more impatient, angrier, loosing control...

With less than ten frames left on the last roll, I suggested we move to the front yard. ‘Suggested’ that’s a nice way of putting it. Actually, it was more of a demand that they didn’t dare refuse. “If you would just hurry up, it wouldn’t take so d---- long and we could be done with this sh--!”  I couldn't just take a few of my husband or the house or a tree.... no, no, no... every last stinking picture had to be of my children.  It wasn’t developing into pretty situation... not pretty at all.



But it got uglier... My children were tired, bored, fearful.  Max just wouldn't keep his focus on me.  Hannah was rolling her eyes and scowling.  Sara was trying to climb our Mesquite tree.  I couldn't get all three of them to look at the camera at once and they were no longer even trying to muster fake smiles.

I set forth my conditions of release with a threat of retribution for even the smallest transgression. It started out as a low growl, but before I had even taken a couple pictures, I was raging.  Raging in everyway possible... screaming at the top of my lungs, punctuating every other word with expletives, that were becoming increasingly personal and venomous. Remember too that we are in our FRONT yard, and we don’t live out in the country...

It vaguely registered with me that fact that my husband was repeating my name.  Then I realized he was on THEIR side and he was trying to shut me down. Briefly, I ripped into him, while defending my behavior, but soon I recognized that I had completely plummeted into madness, deep and dark. I ran weeping to the house, leaving them all in my wake.

When I look back and pause that moment, the pinnacle, I am utterly ashamed.  First, you should never treat your children like that, never. And you see, I am in general a control freak and to go off in such careless and rash manner, isn’t like me. Yes, yes, I have been know to use volume, but this was not the same.  I can honestly say that my behavior was beyond my control, and in no way is that meant as an excuse. It was the closest thing to a mental break I have ever had... I don’t know how else to describe it.

After I fled the scene of the crime, I tried desperately to comprehend how I let things get so out of control.  When Jerry dared to finally approach me, I could only offer up what felt like half-hearted excuses... going cold turkey off my meds, not getting enough sleep... In the end, what I knew, knew right to the very core of my being, was that my kids deserved a better mother. I had failed them.

A split-second in time captured through a lens may not show the real story, the entire store, but at least I can say that I did learn a lot from that experience, that day and since.  Hopefully my sharing it will keep others from the same anguish.

Important Things I Learned:

1. Don't quit taking an antidepressant cold turkey, unless your doctor tells you to!
2. When your kids are DONE, you aren't going to get any descent pictures after that point anyway.
3. Psychiatry is NOT quackery.
4. Treatment of mental illness with drug therapy can be successful.
5. Many mental heath issues stem from chemical imbalances in the brain (under/over activity) that can be hereditary.
6. Medications that work for some people, don't always work for others. (I purposely withheld the name of the medications I tried, so as not to discourage someone else from trying them.)
7. Finding a medication and/or diagnosis that fits can often take much time coupled with trial and error.
8. My children (and husband) will forgive me and still love me if I go off the deep end... but I desperately hope I will never, ever go there again!
9. Most importantly, I can be the ‘BETTER mother’ my chicklets deserve.

So why does that picture with all it’s ugly memories still remain dear to me?  I guess because, I lived and learned. We all managed to live and learn. AND it is super cute!

Behind the Lens - Part 1