My mother lives here, but we don’t know where she is . . .

A searing pain has taken up residence between my shoulder blades today. Probably because I have not had one single minute, or second today that wasn't spent doing, going, making, fixing, working, helping. No relaxing, resting or meditating. And if I remember correctly, not much laughing, few smiles and once near tears. Even when I actually had the opportunity to catch my breath and shift gears, I didn't choose to slow down, I just pushed on to the next task. Even at dinner, my brain was reeling through my mental lists.

That is so ADD. It is impossible for me to turn my brain off. I fixate on an activity until it is complete, often to the detriment of my family. I ignore my kids, irritate my husband, forget my dogs and disregard housekeeping until my mission is utterly complete. I just find it unbearable to stop until I am finished.... painting, sewing, blogging, whatever my newest pursuit may be.

Doesn’t that seem completely backwards? The things that bring the most 'flow' into my life, result in stress and neglect. Hey, but mommy’s happy, right? Sometimes I guess, but I have a lot guilt at the end of the day for not being present and interacting and truly listening to the people dearest to me. It’s a wonder they still even like me. It doesn’t seem much different than being physically absent.

I don’t like at all how that last sentence sounded even though it is the truth and too often... my own mother was physically absent from most of my childhood. Am I that bad? Please tell me NO. That was an epiphany. I didn’t even realize the significance of that statement until I went back and read over what I had written.

OK.... deep breath.... NO I am not that bad... some days are worse than others, but I have a chance to change.

What if they quit asking for help, telling me their stories, smiling when they see me? I resolve that starting tomorrow I will focus more on my family! (Don’t you just love the way I always put things off until tomorrow.) Truth is, I have already built up enough guilt for today that I couldn’t possibly wash it away with any last ditch effort.

But tomorrow.... I promise...don’t give up on me yet, family.