So finally you call your dad and maybe he was sick or needed your support or YOU just needed to hear his voice. Something in the cosmos had aligned, gently guiding your course.
Well calling my dad wasn't the message I have been getting and it hasn't really been gentle. I have practically been beat over the head with what I should and must do.
The message I keep tripping around or kicking out of the way has to do with honesty, my honesty. Honesty will set me free.... Or at least it will help me find my way and clear a path for me to see what I need and DON’T need in my life. My genuine candor will hopefully help others and lift the veil of perception. The perception we create versus the reality.
Because don’t we, more often than not, put forth an image, a persona that we think others will like, will approve of. But we are conflicted, because it is false and it is hard to maintain and terrifying to think that someone might find out that we aren’t what we appear to be. It’s exhausting.
And if you are like me, well I have several disguises that I use... one for work, one for home, one for family, one for friends, one for my children’s school. It becomes difficult to remember who knows what about me and how to keep one group from knowing about that part of me I have decided to share with another.
I have spent years trying to erect these perfect facades while running from and avoiding the past. When I was younger and oh so much dumber (not that I know much more now) I made mistakes and I cringe to imagine what comes to mind when people remember me.
That’s what it boils down to.... FEAR! I am not completely honest with anyone about everything. I am not ever remotely honest with most people because of fear. I am not even honest with MYSELF. Fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone. But if I am never really myself, then aren’t I alone already anyway?
I am tired of feeling alone inside, while precariously balancing the illusions. And I have experienced a liberation by sharing my experiences, mistakes and shortcomings through my blog. At first I thought I would only put forth my writing to strangers who didn’t know me, so their judgments wouldn’t count. But even though my heart was racing right before I posted a link for my friends and family, I managed to do it. And guess what, no one rejected me. And if they have, I don’t know about it yet. The opposite occurred and many people have reached out with support or acknowledged our similarities. That’s what I get for anticipating the worst.
Though terrifying and uncertain at times, sharing ’honestly’ has been rejuvenating. I have already put honesty into place in other areas of my life as well and I believe it will lead me to a better place, a stronger place. When I am ready, I may divulge some of these secret corners too. I believe not only will my honesty help me, but that my honesty can help others and that has taken a high precedence in my life than FEAR used to occupy.
My segmentation may begin to crumble or even collide as one acquaintance finds out about the things I have shared with another. But I am willing to take that risk. If being forthright about who I really am doesn’t mesh with any of my ’groups’ well I suppose then I don’t really need that group. But perhaps their ’new’ view of me can eventually be embraced and accepted.
Do you have more than one persona? Are they greatly divided? Is that divide keeping you from greater happiness, your full potential? I know it is scary to consider putting it all out there, so start small. Start with your friends and family. You might be surprised, I was, pleasantly surprised, honestly surprised.
Article featured on:
the February 2010 Self Growth Carnival Blog Carnival hosted by The Anxiety Support Network
February 7th, 2010 The Best of The Best for the Law of Attraction Carnival #59 hosted by Abundance Highway
February 6th, 2010 Carnival of Healing, 222nd Edition hosted by Your Joyous Life
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Good point, Jackie. I think when you say you can barely remember who you are at times, that you are just like everyone else in a way. I had a counselor who said "we all go out with masks on," meaning we present in ourselves what we think others want to see. I am a fearful type by nature too, because of social anxiety disorder, and like you, by taking risks I have found many people have rejected me, but many people have also accepted me. And, it has removed that feeling of loneliness over time. I like this article and will include it in the ASN Self Growth Blog Carnival.
ReplyDeleteDaniel, thank you so much for your comments. It is gratifying to be able to connect with others who share the same challenges as I do. I am honored that you liked my article and I am excited to be a part of the upcoming ASN Self Growth Blog Carnival!
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