Behind the Lens - Part I

This much loved picture of my children sits in my living room.  I took it myself in our backyard over four years ago in late November.  Recently, I was reminded of the day I took this photo, because I was posting it to my Facebook page.  The caption I wrote under it went something like this:  There is a story behind this picture, maybe I will tell it someday...

For the last few days, I have reflected on memories that surround this photograph, memories that weigh on my mind.  What you see in a snapshot can sometimes be deceiving.  The cute little faces with their cherub cheeks and sweet smiles.  Such innocence...  It’s amazing that I was able to get this picture at all, considering the real mood and events that went along with it.

First I need to go back few weeks before it was taken.  I had to take my son to a routine doctor’s appointment and my daughter came along. Previous experience taught me to be prepared... a big bag of snacks, colors, paper, books... anything to keep my daughter engaged so that I could actually converse with the doctor.

That day was no different than prior visits.... taxing at best....  After Max was weighed, my daughter headed for the scale and began bouncing up and down on it....once in the examination room, she could not be deterred from standing on the swiveling physician’s stool.... then she moved on to opening each drawer and cabinet.  Finally (ignoring the clearly posted prohibition) I blew up a latex glove for her amusement.



When our practitioner arrived, she kept talking and interrupting so he had to repeat each question.  She answered for Max and began unrolling the paper that covers the exam table.

Thank goodness he was understanding, but I was starting to loose it. This was not lost on him and this wasn’t the first time he had witnessed the melee that I brought with me.  He actually asked me how I was doing.

My first instinct was to say I was fine, just a bit stressed, but I decided on an honest answer.  I had been feeling tired and stressed and a bit out of control lately.  I wasn’t sleeping well and I often felt like I was on the verge of coming unglued. Before I knew it, we were discussing my mental health and that perhaps I could benefit from an antidepressant.

REALLY.... was I depressed?  Maybe?  I definitely felt like I was drowning some days....  He told me that it was quite common and that the newest medications available had few side effect,....So I took the prescription, made a follow-up appointment and actually left the clinic feeling hopeful...albeit somewhat skeptical.

The first drug that I tried didn’t really seem to have much effect on me, except that it made me sweat profusely.... so gross.  At my next appointment, I came armed with extensive research I had done on the benefits versus risks of a variety of different drugs.  My doctor decided on another medication that many of his patients had had good results with.  I weaned myself off the first medication as I began taking the next one.

Once I began the full dosage of the newest prescription and dropped the other, I noticed that I was having difficulty sleeping.  I would lie awake until three or four in the morning..... tossing and turning.  On the third night I didn’t sleep at all.  I didn’t understand how this was possible given how sleep deprived I was.

I had read the package insert regarding side effects and it specifically said that, “...if you experience ongoing insomnia, you should call your doctor immediately...”  Well now I am in a panic.  So I call the office only to get their answering service who will relay a message to my doctor. Hours later someone from the  ANSWERING SERVICE (you never get to actually speak to your doctor) called back to deliver his advice.

He recommends that I take Benadryl at night to help me sleep.... really that’s it?!?!?!  Panic turns to exasperation... but I’d try it.

Finally on the forth night I am able to go to sleep, BUT I am awake by 1:00 AM. I begin twisting and flopping, and now my skin is itching....and then I feel IT, a BUG is crawling on me.  I jump out of bed, throw the covers back, frantically sweeping and smacking at the bed.  I don’t see anything,  Down deep I knew I wouldn‘t... it’s was all in my mind....

Did you know that there is actually a name for that... Formication (NOT fornication):  Hallucinated sensation that insects are crawling over the skin.  OMG... now I am hallucinating.

I just couldn't take the experimentation anymore.... I quit taking the drug immediately and I didn't go back to my doctor for more.  I was done with antidepressants and doctors and the whole field of psychiatry.

The next day, the day I decided I was not taking that little pill ever again, it was the same day the picture was taken.....

Behind the Lens - Part 2